Sunday, March 01, 2009

Here I Am. (But not to rock you like a hurricane)

All day long today I've tried, just as an exercise, to not distract myself.  Not to do those things I do to just past the time and numb the edge and dull the free floating fear and dread that seems lately to be so much a part of my human experience.

And I discovered that I do a lot of numbing.

I love to read--but often I read not because I necessarily want to--but because it keeps my mind distracted.  (Because honestly, how many times can I really need to read Protector of the Small.)

And then there's the sitting down in front of the laptop to check Facebook, (I DID make myself give up Perez Hilton a few months ago) my various emails, my blog stats, back to Facebook, then to Go Fug Yourself, and then MSN, and then back to Facebook.  It's pointless.

There's more.  (You know---check the fridge, check on that chin zit, etc.) But my main point here is that the majority of my non-working or Sophie-care related moments are spent just trying to avoid my head.

So today, I just tried to say, "Ok head.  Here I am."

And apparently, there's a reason I've been trying to avoid that.

It sucketh.  I seriously, seriously don't know what to do with myself other than list all the things to be afraid of and worried about.

But I'm going to keep trying.  I'm operating under the assumption that eventually I'll get to the end of the list.
I'm not sure what to do with that "other" time.  My guitar case is dusty and my callouses are gone, but maybe that would be a direction.  Also, I don't look at the blog as an avoidance mechanism.  I do think it's reflective, so maybe I'll try to post more than once a month.

A quick Soph said:

Sophie can memorize about anything if you put it to music.  We sang the Girl Scout Law to the tune of "Home on the Range" a couple of times at the last Daisy meeting, and she got it in her head.  She's been having me help her, and now she has the whole thing memorized.  I was pretty proud of her, so I asked her if she'd like to recite the law at our next meeting.  Her reply:

"Oooo!  Can I wear a cloak and wear a crown and make a speech?"

No comments: