Thursday, September 29, 2005

I'm a looser baby--So why don't you kill me?

I hesitate to post today, because everything I say will likely be tinged by the fact that I have been off of my Lexapro for a week due to some insurance/money issues.

The truth of the matter is that I'm totally letting myself go. My eyes red and itchy because I'm on my last set of contacts and haven't made the appointment to go to the optometrist. My hair looks like shit because my friend who has cut and colored it for years told me a few weeks ago not to contact her anymore. (Not sure how much is appropriate to say about that. In a nutshell, I told her that I though she needed some help and set some boundaries for myself after a couple of very uncomfortable events.) In fact, lately I shampoo it on my days off in the evening, and just twist it into a bun for work. The hair on my legs has reached braiding length, and my underarms can best be described as burley. None of my skinny clothes fit, and I gave all of my fat clothes to the thrift store last spring. I have ONE pair of pants that I can button, and 3 skirts. Deciding what to wear to work is torture as I put on one outfit after another, praying that the buttons will button. They usually don't. Because of gas prices, and the amount of traveling that we have to do with Janzen--a shopping spree is totally out of the question--so I wear my pajamas when I'm home, and wash my one pair of jeans 3 times a week.

At work today, I spent most of the day trying not to put my head down on my desk and cry. My students totally know something is up, and keep asking me what's wrong.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Although none of MY clothes fit, if has been fun to start putting Sophie in her fall clothes. Last month Erik bought her some very cute Levi's and skater type shirts. She's cute enough for both of us, I guess.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Last night Sophie and I were having a bath together. Suddenly she said, "Oops! I fink we're sitting in my pee!" as the water began turning slightly yellow around her legs.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Picture Usurper

Last night, big sis Amanda sent me some pictures of her trip last summer to visit us poor saps still living her in Southern Utah. Some of them are just too great to sit on, so I asked her if I could post them. Here Goes.

Coping a Feel

Mandy (Amanda to all but her immediate family) is there in the front. I'm in the middle; Erik's on the left. How do ya like my fab visor? I have no idea how I came to be wearing it.

Sister Slightly Sideways

This, ladies and gentleman, is the queen of the Krause house. Isn't she pretty?

Have Mike, Will Travel

Not having a band has never been a problem for this guy. If you look closely, you'll see that the box to his immediate left says "Singing Machine."
A Balloon on my Bum

This house party (my house if you were curious) is being given in honor of this guy--who was headed for, and is now in Iraq with the 222 battalion. His wife is to his left. She and I have been friends for 10+ years--although we are currently somewhat estranged. Kell--if you read this, know that I miss you. Friends again?

Mommy Loves

Karaoke Kaper

Here is my favorite. If I remember right, Er and I were singing "Hold me Now" a la the Thompson Twins. So choice.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Ever have a day when you feel like you're trying to walk and think through a bowl of jello? Today I have been absolutely foggy. My glands are just starting to sting a bit, and I don't quite have a headache, but the muscles or whatever right being my eyes are thinking about hurting--if that makes any sense. Bottom line, I'm getting sick, again, and I hate it.

Every day that Sophie goes to school, she comes home very needy and demanding and whiny. She says to me in this sing-song whiny voice, "Mommy! Somebody did somefin'" whenever Jimmy even looks at her. She needs snacks and help and attention and she needs them NOW. I know that she enjoys school and it's good for her--but being around other kids (who unlike her are NOT perfect and well behaved--ha) and not getting the one on one adult time that she's used to can result in a perfectly bratty afternoon.

Luckily she's in bed and I just spend 45 minutes doing this. In truth, I am pretty addicted to Zam-Bee-Zee right now. It's like ultra Boggle for one. Word games suck me in every time.

So--I'm totally rambling and need to shut up and go to bed. First, a hefty dose of vitamin C--like that's going to do anything--and then I'll read in my new book (Dropped 30 bones on the new Outlander hardback, but I gots to have me some Jamie. If you have a billion or so hours to spare, and like historical fiction and sex with sexy Scotts--check it out.)

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Umm. How about feeling justified in going to bed at 9:00?

Today's worst thing about being a mom:

Friday, September 23, 2005

Flashback Friday

Friday afternoon. School's out for the week. I'm beat.

Today I brought the PlayStation into work with all the Karaoke Revolution stuff. My students absolutely love it, and, I must add, so do I. I actually have a kid who came in last year at a second grade reading level; he was completely down with the Karaoke--but was pissed that he couldn't read well enough to keep up with the words. I called his proctor mom (like foster--but more temporary and for kids with more "issues") and told her that I thought he would really benefit from having the game to play at home. She bought it for him--and he has jumped 3 grade levels in his reading.

When people ask me what I would do if I didn't teach, I always tell them, "Be a rock star." They laugh because they think I'm kidding, but I'm not. I love to sing. I love the spotlight. So much so that I make a conscious effort to reign myself in at parties or other places where I could conceivably become an annoying attention hog.

This brings me to the "flash back" in "Flashback Friday." Today I'll flash-back to when I was 17--and just graduated from high school. I got a phone call inviting me to participate in the Miss Iron County Pageant. Don't think less of me or hate me for it--but I did it. The superstar in me just couldn't pass it up.

12ish other girls and I all strutted our stuff in evening gowns, swimsuits (for the "physical fitness" part of the competition) did an interview, bla bla bla. The reason I did it was for the talent contest. I told my mom (much to her dismay) that my only goal for the competition was to, umm, stimulate every guy in the audience when I sang. The song I chose was "Ain't Misbehavin'" and I must say I totally nailed it. I wore this long skinny midnight blue velvet dress and talked my mom into elbow length gloves to match. Mandy choreographed my "moves" and had me coquettishly strutting up and down the runway and pointing suggestively at the audience. By the end of the song, people were standing up and whistling.

Interestingly enough, my future husband was there (with his then girlfriend and Janzen's mom) and claims that that performance is what led him to contact me several months later.

Of course, I didn't win. I did take the prize for best interview, best community service proposal, and best talent, but my blood wasn't blue enough for the long time Cedar City judges. Good thing to, because at the time, I was exploring my, umm, hippie tendencies, and wouldn't have been able to put up with all the prissy shit that went along with the, umm, crown.

After the pageant, I went home, washed my face, combed all the goo out of my hair and put it in a pony tale and went out with some friends to have chili-cheese fries at JB's.

Ok. That was totally an Uncle Rico moment. Sorry. At least I'm not offering to show the video, I guess.

If Sophie ever wants to do a pageant, I think I may have to be a TOTAL hypocrite and tell her no fucking way. They're too expensive (some girls spent literally thousands on dresses, swimming suits, make-up, etc.), and like it or not, they're all fixed in one way or another. If she wants a place to shine, I'll find her a talent competition or open mike night (if she's a singin' fool like her mama), but no--no pageants for my Sophie.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Sophie wakes up in a great mood every day. Lately when she gets up, what she wants to do is DANCE! I put in a movie for her, and try to wake up, and meanwhile, she's bouncing around, shaking that thang, yelling, "Come on Mom! Come dance to the beat!"

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Sophie just now said to me, "I'm trying to get some milk from my cow!" I looked over and she was tugging on Jimmy's weiner.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

No--she's not Al Pacino and that's not Cocaine

Today, I lost the battle of the baby powder.

Sophie absolutely LOVES baby powder. She says it makes her feel "smoove." While I was blinking, she squeezed an entire bottle onto her play table. I almost beat her, but instead, I just moved the powder party outside and let her go for it.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Loosening the hell up every once in a while

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Sweeping up an entire bottle of baby powder

Monday, September 19, 2005


Up until yesterday, I had never so much as sat on a horse. But now I am proud to say, thanks to my pal Kodi and her very sweet horse Musty (I assume as in "Mustang" not "slightly damp and stinky") I have mounted, sat on, and ridden a horse--albeit in a very small circle around a fairly small pasture.

It was pretty scary to be sitting on something that big, something that has a brain and no steering wheel, but Musty is an absolute dear. Just a little twitch of the reigns and (much to my surprise) she went exactly where I wanted her to.

Our trip to see the horses was not without tragedy, however. Mimi, the other member of Kodi's horsey family, mistook Sophie's sweet little finger for a piece of the apple that she was being fed, and gave her quite a nip. After that, Sophie was pretty timid, and felt most safe sitting in the back of Kod's explorer watching. When Kodi asked Soph if she wanted a ride, Sophie answered, "Well. I'm kind of rusty." Where does she come up with this shit?

Sophie was also very impressed with the huge piles of horse poop, and with the fact that horses, like people, have boogers. I was very impressed that Kodi is such a horse pro. I couldn't even begin to care for a horse. At one point, I walked right behind Musty--apparently a major no-no in the world of the equine. Kodi sweetly but anxiously told me that was not a good idea. I had no clue. It was very cool to see this new facet of my friend-- who already impresses me daily with how capable she is.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Sophie and have started a little ritual of having a bowl of cereal together on the days she goes to school and I go to work. Today she was picking out the marshmallows from her "Marshmallow Matey's" (the cheap version of "Lucky Charms) and sharing them with me, because she felt bad for me that my Cheerios were sans marshmallow.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Lately she screams like a howler monkey when I try to wash or brush her hair. I'm about ready to just have it cut short--like just below her ears short.

Saturday, September 17, 2005


Damn! It has been absolutely WEEKS since I could sit here at the computer and just freaking blog! I'm happy to report that my back doesn't hurt, my internet is working (it was NOT for the past 5 days--torture), Sophie is in bed--probably not napping, but at least not climbing on me, Jimmy is happily shredding a pig ear, and Erik is in Salt Lake visiting Janzen. It seems that lately, the stars have to be aligned exactly right for me to have 45 minutes to just sit here and write for a while.

So, let's start with Sophie Gene. Unfortunately, she is following in her mother's footsteps and becoming a total potty mouth. A few days ago, we were at my mom's house (The day that Katy's Handsome Rob--now demoted to Douche Bag Rob was over) and Jimmy jumped up on her. She said, "Jimmy! I'm going to kick your ass!" Later, when he repeated the offense, she told him to get down, or she'd kick him in the balls. Now--the kick your ass thing, I'll totally take credit for, but I NEVER threaten anyone with ball kicking. Who knows where the fuck she picked that little jewel up.

School/day care is going MUCH better. They have moved her in with the older kids (because she's a freakin' genius) and it has made all the difference. The kids interact and pretend with her. They do lots of art projects, learn a little Spanish, and tons of other cool things. We have seen nary a tear from her on school days.

I took her for her first official hair cut yesterday--not counting grandma trimming up the bangs, or the do-it-yourself-"snick" that she pulled over the summer. I should have taken the camera. She looked so big sitting there in the barber chair. When the gal put the cape (kid sized and with various jungle creatures on it) on her, she said, "Wow! An animal smock!" Natalie--the stylist (is that the preferred term for hair-cutters?) almost peed herself. The cut is cute. Before, her hair was almost to her butt, but many lengths. Now it's about 2 inches below her shoulders, and very grown-up looking.

What else. Oh. My mom got a Jacuzzi for her birthday. (Ever heard of folliculitus? We've all got it. Apparently first time hot-tub owners/hangers on often get these painful zittish bumps for the first little while.) My little bro is in town, and both he and my dad could both pass for yetti (is the plural of yetti yettis? Or is it like deer and trout. One deer. Two deer. Hmmm.) Anyhoo--Jon is just a tad chubby, and when he came out to the hot tub, where Soph and I were already soaking she said, "Wow! I like your boobs! They have black fur on them!" Of course, I didn't know weather to apologize or laugh hysterically, so I did both.

On to Jon. He's about 3 years younger than I am. A little over a year ago, he and his sweet wife moved out of Utah, into Dallas Texas. He has been working hard to get a jewelry business off the ground, so he hasn't been back to see us very often. Jon and I are good friends, and partners in general silliness. When we were young, we would sit up in a tree and make up songs a la Weird Al. We had our share of sibling arguing, but have generally been pretty close. (I'll have to remember to post the story of the time Mandy and wrapped him up in a sheet, tied it with panty hose, and put him out on the front porch. To this day, I claim that he was warned.) Anyway, he came in to town on Monday and left today. I didn't get to see very much of him, but we did take a nice walk together up on the mountain, and I introduced him to Karaoke Revolution on the Playstation night before last. (He and I TOTALLY scored a platinum record on Under Pressure. I was Freddy Mercury. He was David Bowie. It was choice.) We don't really call each other, and since he and his wife decided to nix the internet at their house (still not sure exactly why) we don't keep in touch as much as we should. The plan is that they'll move back sometime next year. I hope so. That boy cracks me up.

Jimmy is getting HUGE! I took him to the vet yesterday for some more shots, and to have his eye looked at (he tangled with one of the neighbor's mangy cats.) No one there, including the vet, could believe how much he had grown. I THINK he's house trained. No accidents in the house for a week or so. The nipping has gotten far better. Next on the agenda is training him not to jump up on people (in a few months, he'll probably be so big that this will be down right dangerous) and to STAY THE FUCK OFF THE COUCHES!! He lives for playing catch, his squeaky dinosaur, belly scratches and pig ears. He also loves snacking on cat shit, sneaking on to the couch, trying to lick me when I'm in the tub, and barking like a mad man when I put him outside, especially when I'm trying to get Sophie to sleep.

I was going to go on to school, Erik, and other assorted topics, but this is plenty long. Hopefully my back and internet connection are both in working order, and I'll be able to start posting daily (at least ever-other-daily) again.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Now that she's in the "big kid class" Sophie makes me tons of art projects. I love picking her up, and having her say, "Look what I made for you mommy!"

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Trying to keep her from living on nothing but sugar and cheese

Tarot Quiz

The Sun Card
You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals
all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear
or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun
allows you to play and feel free. Exploration
can truly take place in the light of day when
nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with
energy so that you may live life to its
fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such
joy and energy can bring wealth and physical
pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to
have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel
the freedom of a child. Image from: Stevee

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sunday, September 11, 2005

Hard to write--possibly hard to read. Your choice.

I feel like I need to put a disclamer on this.
It's very personal.
I feel very much like I need to write this, to make this event public.
Secrecy protects people who hurt children.
I am writing this for my daughter.
I didn't remember this event even happening until I was about 15 years old. I told my sister first, and then she told my dad. Eventually my mom, grandfather, and grandmother were let in on the secret. However, I don't think any of them have actually confronted him with it, nor have I.
When I was about 5 years old, my mothers youngest brother took me down in the basement of my grandmother's house, exposed himself to me, pulled off my pants and underwear, lay me on the floor, and then lay on top of me.

It was Christmas time, and he told me that Santa's elves were watching, and that I wouldn't get any Christmas presents if I told anyone.

For the rest of the visit, I wet my pants so often, that my mom threatened to put me back in diapers.

I know that far worse than this has happened to many people--probably more than half of the people who may read this. I don't feel like this event has actually effected my life in any huge way. In fact, I haven't thought about in any detail for years until tonight.

Tonight I stayed up way too late reading A Thousand Acres. Just as I finished it, around midnight, Sophie came in and asked me to come lay by her. I looked at her standing there in her nightgown, and was swept by a fear for her that has pretty much shaken me to the core.

This is what I've decided. For the sake of my sweet sweet baby girl, and every other sweet girl on this planet, I intend to out him and every other man who thinks he can do such a thing and not suffer a consequence--even if the consequence is no more than embarrassment. Writing about it on the blog, I hope will just be a starting place. I think that at the very least, I want him to know that I know, that my parents know, that his parents know. Now I sit shivering, wanting to type his name, but not being able to do it. Is is out of a sense of loyalty to my mother or her family? Sheer cowardice? I guess what I've said will have to be enough for now. This is as far as I can go I guess.

I promise you this--if anyone, ever, lays a hand on my daughter, I will have vengeance--and it will be public. If some sick sorry sack of shit thinks he can silently hurt her and no one will ever know, he will be very very wrong.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Loving my daughter more than I have ever, will ever, or can ever love myself

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Fear. Fear that I won't always be there to keep her safe. Fear that she will be hurt. Fear that is always always there.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

If I was a horse, they'd shoot me.

Haven't posted in a while, because frankly, I haven't really wanted to write about my aches, pains, and other health related issues.

Suffice it to say, my sprained back is still causing a lot of pain, and now I have a fabulous cold/sinus infection to go along with it. Sneezing with a sprained back is a bitch.

So--until I'm feeling a heck of a lot better, the blog will be pretty uninspired.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Chocolate milk tea parties

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Mothering when you just feel like total shit