Monday, March 27, 2006

Low Comedy

E treated Katy and I to a mini spa day on Saturday. The treatments were lovely, as was the fondue we had for dinner, but the best part was, always happens when we two get to spend more than 5 minutes alone, my laughing muscles were absolutely burning by the time we got home. Damn, poop and rashes are funny.

So the day spa we went to offered "Colon Hydrotherapy." Now--I generally don't knock something until I try it, and maybe I should, as according to this guy what doesn't kill me makes me a funny mother fucker, but Katy and I share some concerns about the day spa/colon hydrotherapy thing. First of all, shouldn't, I don't know, a DOCTOR be the person hydrotherapizing my colon? I mean, I have all respect for esthetician, cosmotologists, massage therapists, and the like, but if you're going to stick a hose up my ass, I'd prefer that you have at least a four year degree. Second--I'm not completely sure about the set up, but I just can't imagine any setting, including one with a gently trickling water fall and white Christmas tree lights and new age music, where I could feel ok letting a stranger (or even someone I know, really) STICK A HOSE UP MY ASS. The third through 100th reasons have to do with what happens during and after my colon is hydrated, and the results there of.

On the way home, after exhausting the hilarity of colon hydrotherapy as a subject, we moved along to itching. Katy mentioned that itches have no purpose--and as such, should not have been part of creation. I argued that the purpose of an itch is to inform one of a rash, or infection, or other minor skin malady. Katy suggested that perhaps a noise like a hum or slight glow, or perhaps some other signal would be a better idea. Right. So I'm standing at work, in front of a dozen or so teenagers, mostly boys, and get one of those sudden, painful, very centralized cooter itches. You know ladies, the kind where you grit your teeth and don't scratch, but sort of internally howl and attempt to subtly shift around in a kind of kegelish way--like that will help. Only, instead of an itch, a blinding light shoots out of my crotch, or better yet, it goes off like a smoke alarm. No thanks. I'll stick with the itch.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
This wasn't today. It was Sunday. Are you sitting down? Sophie slept in until 9:00!!! Guess what that means? So did I!! Ah sleep. Sweet nectar of the gods.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Anamatronic Care Bear (Funshine) dressed as an aerobics instructor that sings "Let's Get Physical."

Saturday, March 25, 2006

Sophie Saturday Morning Schedule

6:15: Wake up in mom and dad's bed. Remember fondly kicking mom in the back for half the night. Note mom's absence. Ask dad where mom is. Told sternly that mom is in my bed trying to get some sleep, and not to wake her up.

6:15-6:45: Strip down to panties and run shrieking through the house. Ask dad to get me a treat as he leaves the house to go get coffee.

6:45: squeal with glee when mom gets out of bed.

6:46-7:30: Sit on mom's lap watching "Dexter's Laboratory" and "Max and Ruby."

7:30: Sit down to breakfast of 2 raspberry Zingers and a cotton candy lollipop (good old dad) and a boiled egg and some grapes (freakin' mom).

7:30-8:00: Eat 2 bites of egg, one raspberry zinger, and 3 grapes. Then find some saltines in a bag on the table, and experiment with making cracker sandwiches out of remains of breakfast.

8:00-8:15: Clean up breakfast by dipping paper towel into my apple juice, wringing it out, and swiping it all over the table, repeatedly, and singing "Sing Sweet Nightingale." Cinderella's got nothing on me baby.

8:15-8:30: Sit on the counter and help mom load the dishwasher. Learn the game "Open your mouth and close your eyes and I will give you a big surprise." Wonder, why was I not taught this before? This is the bomb!

8:30-9:15: DANCE PARTY!! Drag bongos from bedroom to livingroom. Search for and find karaoke microphone. Dance with mommy (who looks very fetching in her pink mumu left over from when she was 9 months pregnant--wonder when she's going to do some laundry) to my favorite play list: Walk Like an Egyptian, Here Comes the Sun, Stayin' Alive, River of Dreams, Something to Talk About, Polly Wolly Doodle, The Tiki Tiki Tiki Room, I Love Rock and Roll, Lady Marmalade, You are My Sunshine, and Lollipop.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Status Quo

When you can’t think of anything else to say, you talk about the weather, right? So the sun has finally come out, and I may decide to go on living after all. For the last two weeks, we Southern Utahn’s have had nothing but snow, snow, snow, with a little sleet thrown in for good measure. Piles of snirt (snow+dirt) created by snowplows still dot the sides of the road, and the retail stores have been making a bundle blowing out snow blowers and snow shovels. Today’s sunshine though, according to, is not an anomaly, but the actual beginnings of spring.

In true bloggers-block form, I shall now present you, dear reader, (who was it that always said that—“dear reader.” Was it Ann Bradstreet?) with a series of lists.

Things that have not changed in the last week:

My house is still filthy—and smells vaguely of onions from the Mexican take-out we ate for dinner last night (guess that last bit is new.)

Sophie is still not sleeping well at night.

I still am fat.

Getting up every morning still sucks.

The dog still chews up everything. (His last victim was Soph’s Happy Meal prize—a Troll Doll that she loved and was very upset to see scattered in pieces across the living room floor.)

Things that have changed in the last week:

I swapped my contacts for glasses. My eyes have been killing me for months, so I thought I’d give them a break. The new glasses are kind of squarish and brownish and unless I’m being lied to by everyone, look ok.

Sophie knows the continents. The CONTINENTS for cripes sake. Apparently, Australia has been replaced with “Oceanna.”She sang them to me in a little song to the tune of Row Row Row your boat. I almost peed myself.

Soph has also realized her dream of being an actual “ropin’ cowgirl.” I took her to the Cowboy Gathering at SUU last weekend, and in the “Kiddy Coral” she was instructed by an actual, real life, ropin’ cowgirl on the basics of the lasso. With just a little help, Sophie managed to rope the steer dummy, and she was absolutely ecstatic.

My class sizes have doubled, thanks to a sting a one of the high schools. 3/4ths of the new kids are great. But, the 1/4 of them who are total little shits more than make up for that.

I bought a new pair of pants. (As I’m now down to 2 pair of pants that still fit, and am currently on a laundry strike, I was forced to race to Walmart on the way to school, grab a random pair of size 16 tan pants, and change into them from my sweats in the Walmart parking lot.)

Today’s best thing about being a mom:
Being blown away by how smart my kid is

Today’s worst thing about being a mom:
It’s freakin’ time consuming.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Happy birthday to Katester the Greatster!

In honor of Kate the Great, here are 23 things about Katy that you may or may not know.

1. She loves and collects fairies.
2. When she was little, her lovie was a purple pig. She decided it was a French pig, and named it “Brigitta.”
3. Katy can crochet the softest, most lovely scarf in all the land during the time it takes to watch a movie.
4. Her car is FILTHY on the inside.
5. She loves salty cheesy snacks.
6. When Katy was born, she weighed 10+ pounds.
7. She was almost named Rachel. In fact, that was the name they put on her name tag at the hospital.
8. She absolutely STOLE THE SHOW when she played Queen Agrivane in the high school’s performance of “Once Upon a Mattress.” (Her crown from the show lives in back seat.)
9. Peach iced tea is one of her favorite drinks.
10. When driving, she waits until the last second to hit the break at stop signs and stop lights.
11. Girl can SING. My favorites from her karaoke repitoir include “Natural Woman” and “Lady Marmalade.”
12. Her cookie decorating skills border on genius.
13. Katy spent one spring break in Tijuana. I’ll leave the details to her.
14. Her style of dress is very classical. She always looks very put together and tailored.
15. When Katy was rolling in the dollars while working at the bank, she’d sometimes choose to go by a new outfit rather than do laundry.
16. Her legs are longer than my dad’s, and he’s 6’1’’.
17. Ever had a pedicure from Katy? If not, you’re missing out. She gives the best pedicure I’ve ever had. Ever.
18. Katy has a gift for play. Her nieces and nephew sometimes fight over her.
19. Like her 2 sisters, she has a great rack.
20. Katy is more giving of her self and time than any person I’ve ever met. She looks for ways to make others happy.
21. Minnesota is the state where she was born.
22. Like her oldest sister, Katy looks DANGEROUSLY HOT in red.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Soph in the snow Posted by Picasa

Who's cold? Posted by Picasa

Jim and Janz Posted by Picasa

Careful Dad! Posted by Picasa

Winter Wonderland Posted by Picasa

Have your cake and eat it too

“We have an erotic bakery in Dallas.”

“How do you know?”

“Where do you think I got that chotch cake?”

Was the previous snippet of conversation worth 6 hours of sitting in the car, getting only 5 hours of sleep last night, and now looking toward an afternoon of sleepiness and Sophie? You bet.

My brother and his wife, who live in Texas, have been in the northern part of the state for about a week. Utah’s a big state though, so I haven’t been able to see him. Yesterday, my folks, Katy, Janz and I all drove 3 hours to meet Jon and Shannon for dinner—then turned around and drove home.

Whenever Jon and I get together, we become about 10 years old mentally, and end up laughing our asses off about farts, boogars, and poop. This trip was no exception. Dinner was ok—as far as food and conversation (the chocolate soufflĂ© cake a la mode was better than ok) but a bit stilted. Families grow such weird dynamics over the years. But—back in the car (my parents Durango—otherwise known as the “Republican Cruiser) Katy and I started giggling about her job inventorying the supplies in the nursing classes, which lead to one thing, then another, and finally Jon and Shannon exchanging the words above. I laughed until my stomach ached and the tears were streaming down my face. Not just because it was funny—but because of the mixed company and their various responses to the phrase, “chotch cake.”

Soph stayed home with E. I thought of bringing her, but am SO glad I didn’t because she was in full on BRAT mode yesterday. The crying and whining and hitting and fit throwing surpassed normal levels by about a mile. I contribute her brattiness to lack of sleep, (that girl WON’T stay in her bed) sibling envy, (she LOVES Janz but hates to part with attention) and Monday going-back-to-school blues. Her new most annoying phrase is, “You’re wrong,” which she tells me about 80 times a day. We’ll be reading and I’ll say, “This is a stegosaurus,” and she’ll say, “No Mom. You’re wrong. That’s a spik-o-saurus.” Or we’ll be watching TV and the damn FLOAM commercial will come and she’ll beg for some and I’ll say, “Baby. Floam is just too messy,” and she’ll say, “No Mom. You’re wrong. Floam is great and clean!”

The weekend was ok—other than the freaking ICE AGE that appears to have settled over these here parts. Folks—we got almost 2 feet of snow. FEET! Now that’s just plain wrong. I hurt my back shoveling snow and so the house kind of went to shit—but it probably would have gone to shit even if I hadn’t.


Today’s best thing about being a mom:

Soph LOVES to put lotion on me. This morning we had a quick bath. After we got out, I just laid on the bed and she lotioned my back and legs and arms for me. I wonder how soon I can get her enrolled in massage school.

Today’s worst thing about being a mom:

Defending my make-up from the forces of Sophie!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

T and A

Last night I couldn't sleep, so I swiped a Zanny from Erik. I should never do this because it takes about 24 hours for me to truly recover from one. So I woke up this morning groggy (the 2 inches of snow we got last night didn't help)--sludged through my shower, made Sophie's lunch, fixed her hair, etc., and trudged out the door to work.

As I pulled into the parking lot, I realized that for some bizarre reason known only to my zombified brain, I had grabbed Sophie's lunch box and taken it with me.

Obviously, I turned around and drove home to return it. When I walked in the house, I found E on the couch reading, clueless to the fact that his naked daughter had climbed onto the window ledge in the dining room and was industriously making prints in the fog on the window with her butt. She greeted me cheerily, "Hey! Look--it's my crack!"

Today's best thing about being a mom:

Soph's experimental phrase of the day has been, "One hundred per cent!" She just told me that she's "One hundred per cent full" of her "One hundred percent noodle soup." Earlier, she told me, "Mommy, I love you one hundred percent!"

Today's worst thing about being a mom:

Okay--this one may fall in the TMI category. 2 of her teachers have babies that they nurse at school. Several times in the last few days, she's tried to "get a drink" from my boob. I've explained to her that she's not a baby, and only babies get drinks that way, but she's been annoyingly persistent. Kind of lost on this one.

Monday, March 06, 2006

Step by Step

Now that Sophie is past the 3 1/2 mark, the changes in her are more subtle. Not fewer and far between necessarily. Just--different. It's not like "Lordy! She just rolled over!" or "Hooray! She's eating solid food," or "Shit and fuck! Her diaper just exploded!" There seem to be fewer singular events to report on, and the days are a bit more fluid. Yes, we have many many milestones yet to reach, but lately things have just kind of mellowed.

She's still experimenting with her vocabulary. This week she's added the phrase, "ages and ages" as in, "Mom, will you lay by me for ages and ages?" Or, when I told her that Katy was sick and might need to get a shot, she said, "Oh no! She's been feeling better for ages and ages!" She's also throwing in "because" all the time in this quasi-snotty voice--and somehow working in 2 extra syllables. I'll say something like, "Honey please don't pour your drink on the dog," to which she'll answer, "I have to be-cu-u-us he needs a shower."

When we're out in the world, she insists on getting in to and out of the booster in the car all on her own, and gets super pissed if I so much as open her door. She's super chatty in the car, and tells me stories about all her adventures. "So--Mom--today Nicole called me 'Tophie' and I said, 'No! I start with an S and Mrs. Esplin said, 'Sophie, Nicole is still learning the S sound' and I said, 'Well, I start with an S so blah blah!' and Mrs. Esplin told me to sit on the line." She notices the stop lights, and gets very pissed if I turn right at a red light.

She's also started this funny ritual at bed time. One night, she was worried that she would have a bad dream. I said to her, "Why don't you have a dream about going to visit Cinderella at her castle?" Since then, before going to sleep, she asks, "Mom, what will I dream about?" and I have to create this intricate scenario for her--which she interrupts and corrects frequently--and as far as I can tell, she DOES dream about what I tell her. At least that's what she reports in the morning. Weird.

Currently, she's making jewelry with pipe-cleaners and beads and watching Blue's Clues. (This works great! The pipe cleaners hold still and the beads don't slide off because of the fuzz. You can just twist them on, then untwist them and start all over again. We tried using yarn, but she just got too pissed off.)

Today's best thing about being a mom:
It's so fun watching her get excited about the coming of spring. Wherever we go, she's on the lookout for flowers. "Look Mom! Sprouts!!" My parents have a pussy willow tree in their back yard, and Soph's pretty sure that it's a hampster tree. Whenever we go over, she has to go pick a few "baby hampsters" to put in her pocket.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Lately, I can't seem to balance my 3 main jobs; mom, teacher, wife. Whenever I seen to be doing ok in one area, I fall flat on my face in another.

More of the same

Big sigh of relief. School is over for the day. This is the time of year when the drama goes into full effect. When the weather starts to warm up, the kids go absolutely nuts. They’re in and out of detention, throwing temper tantrums over having to take their hats off, (a rule I abhor but have to enforce. I have so many other fucking battles to fight. I don’t need administrators creating even more!) and generally starting shit with each other at each and every opportunity

The weekend was very nice. Saturday evening I took Soph with me to an art showing of Montana Black’s work at Sage Hills Om Ranch—my yoga teacher’s home/events location/b&b.. I was hesitant to take her, because it was a very adult (not in a porno way) event, but she was very good—loved the art—got a huge kick out of the edible flowers on the fruit tray—and is still talking about the donkeys we passed on our way there. I bought a print of a very wise looking desert tortoise called, “The Sage.”

Saturday night was fun—games and adult beverages. A friend is participating in a documentary called “The Winter of the Beard”(He’s agreed not to shave for 6 months. I think he’s in month 4. Very Grizzly Adams.) and brought a video camera along. He started filming—and the drunk-ass at the party (that would be me) jumped up and hollered, “Hey! Want to see my pits? I haven’t shaved them all winter either!” If I recall, I lifted up my shirt and gave the camera a close up of my approx. 2 inch pit hair. Sigh.

Sophie (knock wood) is continuing to be my sweetest sweetest sweet heart. We went in search of a tricycle on Sunday—but alas, none were to be found, even at WalMart. (We ended up ordering this one on line.) I bought her this consolation prize which she is absolutely nuts over. We play pretend all the time, and she’s continued coming up with the most hilarious names for our pretend personalities. Currently, she likes me to be “Grandma Moo Moo” to her “Miss Milly.” I have to sit on the couch and pretend to knit with a couple of chop sticks, and she comes over and brings me treats.

Today’s best thing about being a mom:

Holding hands

Today’s worst thing about being a mom:

I’m getting pretty tired of “Scooby-Doo Meets the Boo Brothers.”

Saturday, March 04, 2006

In which she gives an account of the last 3 days

Ok, so obviously the beginning of last week sucked ass. Maybe it was Mercury. Either that or it was Venus. Anyway, things got a bit better.

A quick recap of the last few days.

Wednesday afternoon, Sophie had a play-date (aside: Where did this weird quasi-annoying term come from, and why am I using it? What happened to having someone "over to play?" Why the date?) with a little girl from her school. They were darling. I set them up a tea party on Soph's play table for lunch with pb&js cut into little shapes with cookie cutters, graham crackers with frosting, frozen grapes, and juice in a tea pot, etc. I even had one rose that was still left alive from Valentines day that I put in a little bud vase. Emily is a very sweet little gal. When her mom (who is an aid at the girls' school) picked her up, she mentioned that some of the parents had forgotten that there was no school tomorrow, as all the teachers would be in San Diego at the big Montesourri (note to self: LEARN TO FUCKING SPELL MONTESORI ALREADY. THE WAY YOU JUST SPELLED IT LOOKS LIKE MISSOURI.) conference. So, fuck, I had forgotten as well. AND it was a day I worked all day. Long story short, I took an "emergency" day. I get 2 of these a year, and have to find and pay (74 smacks for me--50 something for others-- because I teach all 4 periods) my own sub, fill out some dumb paper, and get a day off, no questions asked.

Thursday was just absolutely lovely. We laid on the couch and watched Bambi twice. Then, because it was bizzarly warm, I dressed her in a cute spring dress I bought a while back. She let me French braid her hair, and we went out on the town. First stop was the second hand kids clothing store where we found 4 darling jumpers (one with Hello Kitty on it--jump back!) some cute shirts and pants, all for like 25 bucks. There is NO kids clothing store in CC. It's either WalMart or nothing, so really, the 2nd hand place is the best place to shop for her. Then we went to the drug store, the Main Street Grill (pancakes for lunch), grocery store, and came home and fixed dinner together. This all my sound dull, but we really enjoyed each other, and it makes me sad to think that spending the day doing errands with mom will soon be a grind for her. Thursday we also picked up Janz at the airport. We're biting the bullet and paying for him to fly to us every once in a while. It gives us a weekend with him, without an ass load of driving, which is something we all really need every once in a while.

Friday was a short day of work, then home to hang out with Sophie and her friend Addison. Addison's mom and I trade the girls off on Friday. I was a super hero and made dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets for lunch, then they played dress-up's for a while. Friday night was just E, J, S and me--something that doesn't happen often--so we all played hide-and seek together.

So now, Saturday I'm cleaning for a little party tonight. Just drinks and games and the regular crew. I'm looking forward to it.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
The times when your kids also feel like your best friends

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Spilled Hawaiian Punch

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Blah Blah Blah

Blah blah period started. Blah blah messy house. Blah blah yeast infection AND diarrhea. Blah blah cold outside. Blah blah blah up with Sophie most of last night. Blah blah dog chewed up almost all my underwear. Blah blah ate almost my weight in cheese. Blah fucking blah blah blah. Blah.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Who cares?

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Not me.