Monday, March 27, 2006

Low Comedy

E treated Katy and I to a mini spa day on Saturday. The treatments were lovely, as was the fondue we had for dinner, but the best part was, always happens when we two get to spend more than 5 minutes alone, my laughing muscles were absolutely burning by the time we got home. Damn, poop and rashes are funny.

So the day spa we went to offered "Colon Hydrotherapy." Now--I generally don't knock something until I try it, and maybe I should, as according to this guy what doesn't kill me makes me a funny mother fucker, but Katy and I share some concerns about the day spa/colon hydrotherapy thing. First of all, shouldn't, I don't know, a DOCTOR be the person hydrotherapizing my colon? I mean, I have all respect for esthetician, cosmotologists, massage therapists, and the like, but if you're going to stick a hose up my ass, I'd prefer that you have at least a four year degree. Second--I'm not completely sure about the set up, but I just can't imagine any setting, including one with a gently trickling water fall and white Christmas tree lights and new age music, where I could feel ok letting a stranger (or even someone I know, really) STICK A HOSE UP MY ASS. The third through 100th reasons have to do with what happens during and after my colon is hydrated, and the results there of.

On the way home, after exhausting the hilarity of colon hydrotherapy as a subject, we moved along to itching. Katy mentioned that itches have no purpose--and as such, should not have been part of creation. I argued that the purpose of an itch is to inform one of a rash, or infection, or other minor skin malady. Katy suggested that perhaps a noise like a hum or slight glow, or perhaps some other signal would be a better idea. Right. So I'm standing at work, in front of a dozen or so teenagers, mostly boys, and get one of those sudden, painful, very centralized cooter itches. You know ladies, the kind where you grit your teeth and don't scratch, but sort of internally howl and attempt to subtly shift around in a kind of kegelish way--like that will help. Only, instead of an itch, a blinding light shoots out of my crotch, or better yet, it goes off like a smoke alarm. No thanks. I'll stick with the itch.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
This wasn't today. It was Sunday. Are you sitting down? Sophie slept in until 9:00!!! Guess what that means? So did I!! Ah sleep. Sweet nectar of the gods.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Anamatronic Care Bear (Funshine) dressed as an aerobics instructor that sings "Let's Get Physical."

13 comments:

rob said...

The purpose of sudden, painful, very centralized cooter itches is to inform one that they need a HOSE UP THEIR ASS.

I've had discussions along this vein before. We posited that instead of itching or nausea or stomach cramps it would be great if we were told what's going on with our bodies by a melodic little robot voice. So immediately I imagined the voice of HAL 9000 setting up the symptoms and Gilbert Godfrey following up with the placement.

There is a slight, yeast infection in your vagina.

Dry skin is accumulating on your scrotum.

A small pimple is forming on your left ass cheek.

(sigh)

It ain't easy being this cultured.

Katy said...

I was there, and it's all still funny. mmmmm fondue....

NME said...

Getting your colon hosed out is NOT relaxing and mysterious genital itching is not fun - but reading about them is so fun that I'm now relaxed. Thanks.

the beige one said...

unsure about the juxtaposition of cooter itches and fondue in the grand scheme of things.

lonna said...

A spa treatment weekend sounds lovely. Especially with such great company. You two are very talented that you can make a hose up your ass sound so funny:)

grody jo-dee said...

i'm thinking a blinding light coming from the cooter area might attract undue attention. maybe not. also, would the blinding light be colored?

shawnak said...

hmmmm, a cooter light might be embarassing, but I am thinking on the plus side, if we did have a light shooting from our cooters maybe we wouldn't have to ever utter these words again to a man, "Honey that's not it" Ya know it would be more like a, ummmm guiding traffic light ;P

patrice said...

as someone who has many itches in many places and hates it, I agree that some other signal is necessary here. but I think it should be like a car's dashboard. like some sort of light that comes on somewhere where you can see it but everyone else can't. like inside your eyelids or something. it would be even better if the light worked like the paper jam thingies on copiers - where it tells you exactly where the issue is.

Katy said...

See and I'm thinking something purely internal. I like the idea of the voice. "Hey Katy, uhm, just so ya know, your cooter seems to think it's in some sort of peril. Maybe you should have that checked out."

And after colon hydrotherapy: "So...was it good for you?"

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Okay all you SPA experts - can someone tell me what Ear Candling is?

Colons are not something that I would want to tend to as a "special treat"! ESPECIALLY WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I'm liking the voice idea but I want it to be a dial in number so it doesn't wake you at night.

beanspot said...

The colon thing is just wrong. They used to put PICTURES of what comes out in certain vegetarian magazines. Not pretty.
Old Mother Hubbard, as the resident skeptic/killjoy, ear candling is supposed to cure you/fix something (in the vaguely homeopathic, natural "therapy" way), but really it is just a chance for scalding wax to accidentally enter your ear and cause horrible damage. (Note: the wax is not supposed to get in there, but it has been known to.)

Heather said...

Yeah, I think you're right... better stick with the itching!!

Stine said...

Holy shit, I'm peeing. Yes, I know all about those cooter itches, and how to slyly do them while also doing massage.

Also, I've had one of those colon hydrotherapy things. I'm not sure what qualifications the girl had who did it to me, but damn I felt spic and span afterwards.