Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Who Whom it May Concern:

Some letters I've been composing in my head to inanimate objects...

Dear Uterus,
Really, couldn't you have waited to slough your lining for a couple of more days? Vaginal bleeding and moving just don't go well together. Please keep this in mind for next time.

Dear Epstein Barr Virus,
Look bitch, I told you not to show your face around here anymore. You just skulk around and wait until I'm tired and stressed and my guard is down, and then WHAM. Get out. Stay out. Next time I'll be asking with a baseball bat. With nails in it.

Dear New Walk in Closet,
Oh my darling, where have you been all my life? Do people really live this way? Somehow it just doesn't feel right to have shelves for all of my shoes--for there to be built in drawers for accessories--for there to be so much space. Now that I've found you, I'll never let you go.

Dear New Shower Massager,
Wow. Was it good for you too?

Dear Phone Company, Electric Company, Dish TV, and All Other Companies:
Look. Four hours is a long time. Can't you get your shit together and get here at a specific time? I don't have time to sit on my ass waiting for you. I have things to do. I've deducted $100.00 dollars from my bill, as that is what I estimate 4 hours of my time is worth. If you don't like it, you can suck it.


lonna said...

OOOh. I feel your pain. Moving sucks. Even just across town. I hope that your lovely shower massager and walk in closet help lessen your pain.

Stine said...

Keep on keeping on.

The in-laws bought us a new shower head with a massager when they were here. I am SO with you on that one.

NME said...

I've written several of those letters to my shower massager.
A walk in closet? Seriously? You now have no right to complain about anything. Lose an arm, a leg, your eye sight? No right. Closet trumps all.

~A~ said...


Katiemagic said...

Ug, moving. You're so right about that 4 hour window crap. Hope your vacay is heavenly!