Blog Vomit

Just stream of thought today. The mind is too shot to organize anything.

First--school starts tomorrow. I'm ready for...tomorrow. That's about it. The beginning of school at my particular location is tricky--because most of my kids won't remember that school starts for another week or so. So finding things that won't waste the time of the kids who are there, but won't need to be repeated next week is kind of a bitch.

I'm also trying to decide what to wear tomorrow. Katy thinks I should go with the "Erudite MILF" look. (Precisely what that entails, I'm not entirely sure. I've lost a little weight, but I still have to deal with the rack that ate Manhattan, and you'd be surprised how short a trip it is for me over to Beth the Bounty Hunter land. I went school shopping and bought some things, but I'm not thrilled with them. Confidence + comfortable + breathable fabric is just a pipe dream, I suppose.

In Soph news, she successfully exploded a soy sauce packet all over her face and the ceiling of the car today. You can imagine how that went, what with the salt content and the eyeballs and all.

What else. Oh--the little bit of weight I've lost. Well, I've been doing this in the morning. Surprisingly, I quite like it. You wouldn't think one would need a DVD to walk in place in one's living room, but apparently, one does. I also like the stretchy band. Then, in the evening, I walk the dog up in the hills behind our house. The only way I know I've lost a little is that I don't nearly slip a disk putting on my bra (you know, with the buckle in the front and twist to the back maneuver), because I've lost enough back fat that it slides around easier. That last sentence, by the way, was brought to you by a bonafide English teacher.

So--in honor of my be-sauced-car, tell me about the interior of your ride. Mine is repulsive. We're talking toys, garbage, fast-food bags (I know. I'm bad.), and other assorted Soph stuff. E calls it the fry wagon. If I were to peek in your car windows right now, what would I see?

Internal Soundtrack

Just so you know, my internal soundtrack is NOT cool at all. It's mostly made up of silly kids songs and other shit that is just plain stupid.

For example:

Every time I pee, my brain plays "Turkey in the Straw;" really fast.

Also, when I check my blog, and no one has commented, my brain plays, "Everybody Hates Me. Nobody Loves Me. Guess I'll Go Eat Worms."

When Sophie is having a huge breakdown, which she is currently doing (She screams this high pitched scream, really, really loudly) it plays "Little Girls" from Annie. Particularly the part, "If I ring little necks, surely I would get an acquittal."


In other mind boggling news, I went back to work today. The kids don't come back until the 16th, but we get to be motivational speakered to death for a week before. Because, you know, I don't actually have any WORK to do (she said sarcastically).

So spill--what ditties does your brain play for you during the day? Or am I the only one. Also, why not tell me one thing one of your old English teachers did that was particularly cool/meaningful/useful in your real life.

More letters to inanimate objects

Dear giant empty economy size bottle of KY warming massage oil that my mom keeps in Soph's bath toys at her house,

OK, so apparently you're great for filling with water and then squirting it around the bathtub, but doood! It's just WAY too disturbing to pull out the box and find you nestled among the rubber duckies and plastic funnels. The implications of your existence are just too, too, icky. So don't take it personally if the next time I see you, I throw you in the trash where you belong. Sorry.


Dear Grout,

Fuck you.


Dear half deflated birthday balloon that was floating around my room last night,

Thanks for scaring the freaking bujesus out of me. Laying in my bed at 3:00 a.m. trying to convince myself that you weren't a ghost or other spectral being was GT. Really.


Dear Coconut Body Butter I got from my birthday,

Even though I don't know if I'd rather eat you or rub you all over my skin, either way you're truly, truly delicious.


Dear grande iced sugar free 2% vanilla latte with no whip,

I think it's time for a break. It's gotten to where I can't imagine my day without you, and I think I need to learn to stand on my own two feet again. I just need to figure out who I am before I can figure out who WE are. What I'm saying is, it's not you, it's me.

Not again!

Damn these birthdays seem to be coming around more and more quickly.

Today I'm 32.

That means that 2 days ago E turned 33, and in 10 days, Soph will be 5. Sheesh.

Because E had his wisdom teeth pulled recently, and has had some unpleasant complications, his birthday was pretty low key. I did, however, pull off a completely home made triple layer German chocolate cake that was something of a thing of beauty.

As for me, I've been having insomnia for the last several nights, and am feeling pretty zombified today. Currently I'm at work, still filing last year's crap (can't you tell) and later have a lunch date with the folks + Katy.

Frankly--I'm feeling pretty low. School starts any second, and the thought of going back is about as appealing as having a pelvic exam. So, in honor of my birthday and my shitty mood, I present to you:

32 Things I Hate

1. That horrible moment when you first get out of the shower
2. When people put empty containers back in the fridge
3. The unspoken rule that in Cedar City, the guy with the biggest truck gets the right of way at four way stops
4. Yeast infections
5. Sorting laundry
6. Having to fart really bad in public
7. When my coffee gets cold in like 4 seconds
8. Not having a good book to read
9. Filing
10. Trying to buy attractive, work casual, plus size clothing
11. Deciding what's for dinner every night
12. Lower back pain
13. Trying to get out of the car in my garage where I can only open the car door like 5 inches because it is so full of crap
14. Dog hair
15. Putting sheets back on the bed after washing them
16. Ants
17. The movie Rent
18. Chin hairs
19. Going to the post office to buy stamps
20. Angel, Season 4
21. Dusting
22. Squished worms
23. Car maintenance
24. Moldy cheese
25. Running out of things in the middle of a recipe
26. Laying in bed and not being able to sleep
27. When the copy machine prints lines on my copies
28. Pooping in a strange toilet
29. After you eat the the top layer of the movie popcorn and the rest has no salt or "butter"
30. Back fat
31. Armpit fat
32. Getting caught out in public without a tampon and having to do that toilet paper wad thing

So what do you hate? Let's focus on the petty, shall we? Y'all know I'm a comment whore, and it's my birthday, so humor me.