Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I totally barfed today

Sorry for the gross title. I'm just trying to keep it real. I have to post this, or else it's a secret. And if it's a secret, then I'm dealing with it on my own. And that, apparently, I cannot do.

I may have mentioned, that I'm doing Weight Watchers. (Skip this paragraph if you know all about Weight Watchers already.) Just the on-line thing—not meetings. Also, I'm doing the "core plan" which is way less with the counting points and way more with the whole foods. (Whole grains/no bread, whole chicken/no nuggets, whole potatoes/no fries. You get the idea.) Things have been going ok, not great.

You see my LAST diet (you know, the phentermine, cigarettes, and no food diet) worked SO GREAT! I lost like 10 pounds a day! It was sweet. My pants were literally falling off of my ass. Of course, there was that whole "losing my fucking mind" side effect, but you have to compare that with the results. So far on WW, I've only lost 7 pounds. In like 4 weeks. Sheesh. What is this?

Anyway, I'm going out of town, and Soph and I have a lunch date on Wednesdays. SHE got to choose the restaurant today, and she chose Grandees. The ice cream parlor that also serves sandwiches and soup. And white bread. And butter. And cinnamon rolls. And pie. And brownies. And a thing called a panookie. I tried to be good. I ordered a sandwich on wheat bread (note "core" but not TOO many points) with no dressing or cheese. And Soph had the chicken dumpling soup, roll, and butter. So I ate half of my sandwich, and felt like shit for having the bread and lunchmeat. Then I ate a bite of her roll. Then I had another one with butter on it. Then I thought to myself, "Self, you know, you could eat anything you want to for lunch today, and then just go home after you drop off Sophie and puke it up. You could eat ice cream. And that bag of chips. And the rest of Sophie's soup." And I listened to myself.


Will I ever get a handle on this? Is it possible for me to try and lose weight, even in a healthy way (I've been walking DAILY and eating SPROUTED MULTI GRAIN CEREAL) without sliding down the slippery slope?


Comment whore wants to know…

How much do you love me? Really. I need warm fuzzies today.


JJisafool said...

Sooooooooooo much. I have similar self-hating-maintenance-of-my-health issues, MJ. And, yeah, I wonder if I'll ever grow out of it.

The best advice I can give on the diet thing (I was borderline anorexic for a while in junior high, and then read a ton on eating disorders and dieting and nutrition while my mother was studying to be a nurse) is to forgive yourself. Cut yourself a break. We all fuck up. But the extra cookie does us less harm than the stress and inner turmoil of needless, too-weighty guilt.

Katiemagic said...

Honey, don't beat yourself up.

All that weight/self hating shit SUCKS. And it's SO hard to break out of the cycle. Maybe we can do it together.

Let's do it together.

I love you mucho.

Katy said...

I love you more than cheese.

I maybe shouldn't mention cheese right now but you KNOW how much I love cheese.

You're my favoritest and I love you more than anything I can think of.

I love you so much it makes me sad when you hurt yourself and get all self loathing because I don't see what there is in you not to like.

I love you enough to be really bitter that I don't have enough time to spend with you because I miss you all the time.

I love you so much. So so much. SO SO SO SO SO SO much and I wish you would always remember that.

NME said...

I agree. Forgive yourself for the occasional F up. And give yourself more credit for the good you are doing with Weight Watchers. It's alot harder to lose weight healthfully. ALOT.

OMH said...

That's not sliding down a slippery slope - it is misplacing your footing a grabbing hold of a friend (or a bunch of us) to help right you again.

Hang in there - WW is great.

patrice said...

I'm late to the party. and I have to say, going to grandee's - you couldn't have done anything other than eat. that place is fantastic. and evil for dieters.

I have said I could just eat and puke SO MANY TIMES but I have never been able to make myself actually do it.

isn't that horrible??? that I've TRIED?? AND AM UPSET BECAUSE I CAN'T??

so my point is, you're not alone.