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You're Wrong: Ask Sophie

You're Wrong: Ask Sophie is written by Sweet Sophie Gene, also known as Grandpa's Favorite, Jimmy's Bane, MY HELL!, and Mistress of all she Surveys. Sophie's interests include pudding art, sand box baking, and finding many and varied ways to turn order into chaos. In her 3 (almost 4) years of being alive, she has learned many helpful things, most importantly, that YOU'RE WRONG. Sophie would like to help you with this problem.

If you're wrong, which, duh, you probably are, send your questions to Sophie Says at yourefreakinwrong@gmail.com.
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Dear Sophie,

Why is vodka so gosh-darned yummy? Rather, I should qualify that: Why does anything above well and bottom shelf vodka taste so yummy? And why isn't it part of the school milk and lunch program here in the States like it is in Russia and the other ("solvent") former Soviet Republics?

Thanks for your input!

Jaques Roux


Dear Jaques,

Holy Care Bear Stare! You’re…you’re…you’re NOT WRONG!! Probably because you’re a cartoon and a mouse, not a grown up. I don’t know much about this vodka of which you speak, although I suspect it has something to do with that “grown up juice” my mom won’t let me have, but you’re right about the fact that things on the bottom shelf suck, and things on the top shelf are THE BOMB! That’s why my mom puts them up there. Because she’s a selfish poopy-pants who won’t share. All of the bitchinist things are on the top shelf. So are the most delicious. Why, the top shelf in the living room has ALL of mom’s prettiest things on it. The top shelf in the bathroom has the nail polish (Now it does. Now that I finally figured out how to open it—Now she moves it to the top shelf. Sheesh.) The top shelf in the kitchen is home to such delicacies as marshmallows, chocolate chips, and now, the honey bear. (This really chaps my butt, because the honey bear used to be middle shelf material, and like the polish, mom caught me with it, and moved it up a shelf.) I’m sure there are more delectable things up there that mom won’t let me have, because she’s always keeping the good stuff away from me. Did I ever tell you about the chocolate ice cream incident? OMG. This was when I was little—like, a year ago? Mom always got me vanilla ice cream cones. I didn’t argue—because I was sweet and innocent then, and didn’t know there were more flavors—like, chocolate flavors? Like I said, the vanilla was ok, but not very good painting material, ya know? I could spread it around, but it didn’t show up very well. So then, Mom and I went to get ice cream with Grandma. Grandma ordered a chocolate ice cream cone. I was like—what? I had a lick of Grandma’s, cone and it was heaven. I turned to my mom and asked, “Chocolate? Ice? Cream? Chocolate Ice Cream?!?!?” Grandma traded with me of course, because Grandma does anything I tell her (she’s good like that) and not ONLY did it taste better—but is almost as superior a medium for painting as pudding! Mothers.


Dear Sophie,

I love to have pretty toes in the summertime but I'm having a hard time choosing from all my polish colors. What color do you think I should paint my toes this week?

Thanks,

This little piggy

Dear Piggy,

Hmmm. I learned a bunch of new words this week. I know what a trilobite is. I learned the difference between a carnivore, an herbivore, and an omnivore. I also learned that “ass hat” is not a nice word. So, I won’t call you one, BUT I will call you the new words I learned for WRONG which are: incorrect, mistaken and erroneous. Honey—if you have polish options, why should you stop at one color? Is there a law that all 10 toes have to match? I mean, what would have happened if all the little piggies had had roast beef, or all had gone wee-wee-wee all the way home? BOOOOORRRRRIIINNNGGG!! Rainbow Brite is not my fashion role model for nothing. When talking color—the more the better. In fact, who says that you have to stick to one color per toe? Unfortunately, that isn’t the only place where you’re wrong. Now, generally, I’d agree with you that rather than limit yourself to the nail, you should just go ahead and paint the whole toe. HOWEVER, I’ve tried it. Painting the whole toe, that is. Not only will this get you into big trouble with your mom (especially if you also try to do her a favor and brighten up those dull white walls while you're at it) but it also kinda stings. One final tip--avoid the sand box for at least 15 minutes after painting. You think sand in the crack is bad? Sand stuck to your nail polish is worse than dad watching his shows during Angelena Ballerina or picking up your own toys.

p.s. To all of my mommy's computer friends: She asked me to tell you that she didn't forget how to read or type. She has just been sick and tired and busy and grumpy (believe me--I know) and HER mommy taught her that if you can't think of anything nice to say don't say anything, so she hasn't. Mom also wants to say thank you to Rob for suggesting "Sophie Says."