Wednesday, May 10, 2006

You're Wrong: Ask Sophie

You're Wrong: Ask Sophie is written by Sweet Sophie Gene, also known as Sugar Boogar, Pumpkin Pants, Princess Alistacia, and The Sophinator. Sophie is this many and completed her potty training at PU where she is currently working toward her MBA (Master of Butt-wiping without Assistance). Sophie has enjoyed telling people that they are wrong for as long as she can remember. If you're wrong, which, duh, you probably are, send your questions to Sophie Says at yourefreakinwrong@gmail.com.
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Dear Sophie,

When holding imaginary tea parties, what finger sandwiches are the best to serve?

Darjeeling in Denver


Dear Darjeeling in Denver,

You’re wrong. And by that I mean really wrong. You’re asking the wrong question. Imaginary tea parties are for girls with no imagination. Are you telling me you can’t rustle up a few cups and something that will do for tea? What’s a party with no pouring? The average American home is FILLED with liquids that are reachable by the 2-4 set. Just because you can’t open the fridge (But tell me honestly—have you REALLY tried? Both hands on the door—feet braced against the bottom, and put all your weight into it girl)! doesn’t mean you can’t have tea. Look for reasonable substitutions in the following places: the dog’s water dish, the bath tub, the toilet (also good for impromptu wading parties), dad’s left out Pepsis, and last night’s sippy cup. In a pinch, I’ve even used melted popsicle and shampoo! Once you’ve worked out your tea problems, we can move on to sandwiches.
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Dear Sophie,

I'm a four year old in crisis! My birthday is coming up and I have a life altering decision to make: Power Puff Girl or Ninja Turtle cake?

HELP!

Wants Both Cakes and Eat Them Too.


Dear Both Cakes and Eat Them,

Jinkies! Could you BE MORE WRONG? Two words. Scooby Do. The Power Puff girls are SO YESTERDAY. They’re quasi cool, but definitely NOT cake worthy. Bubbles is a total cry baby. Blossom, I’ll give you, is kind of sassy, but those bows? Please. Buttercup totally has an Avoidant Personality Disorder AND a Napoleon Complex both of which I’m sure stem from the fact that she has no parents, and was in fact created by a lab mistake. As for the Ninja Turtles? Zoinks! They’re not yesterday. They’re the day before yesterday! Heroes in a half shell—turtle power? I’ve heard better jingles in my old rattles. Scooby is timeless. The gang is awesome. Plus—they have a bitchin’ van.
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Dear Sophie,

I currently invest in a low-interest mutual fund. With gas prices being what they are today, would you suggest I divert some of my capital into oil?

Paul Allen


Dear Douche Bag,

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong-o-rama! Anyone who’s anyone knows that the best way to make your money work for you is to invest in vending machine toys. Is there any better return on capital than sticky hands, slime, temporary tattoos, fashionable jewelry, glow in the dark bouncy balls, Dracula fangs, mini aliens, and super sour gum balls? I think not.

15 comments:

rob said...

:D

~A~ said...

Bravo!!!

I love it.

lonna said...

Awesome!

shawnak said...

Very imaginative and creative, luv luv luv it. I want Sophie's job!

amandak said...

Oh My God

So FUNNY!

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Dear Soph - How will you give your mom some rest for Mothers day? I may be WRONG - TERRIBLY AND GREATLY WRONG - but I'm thinking your mommy would like rest better than any tea party or birthday party or sticky hands (feet) or anything else sticky.

Thinking your TOO cute
Blog friend.

patrice said...

this is when reverse psychology comes in handy.

how cute is "soph" anyways? (boobecca, you're so cute.)

NME said...

HA! Nicely done Becca! I mean "Sophie."

You can call me wrong if you wish, but I'd say you're a comic goldmine.

the beige one said...

well, there goes my advice column idea...

grody jo-dee said...

you should get her a syndicated column and recipe booklet, like dear abby. i would love to see some sophie gene recipes--i can only imagine.

very funny.

Kodi said...

Hahahahahahahhahahahaha! God, Becca you are truly priceless. As is our little Soph. See you this weekend?

Jen said...

These are great! You, er I mean Sophie, of course, are (is?) a riot! How is that for horrible grammar?

grody jo-dee said...

hope you had a happy mom's day!

this is off the subject, but i had to delete the blog due to a stalking issue...i'll still be around from time-to-time to say hi. :) be good.

Jacques Roux said...

more Mrs. J and Sophie "You're Wrong", pleae.

NME said...

Tap tap tap. Is this thing on?