Saturday, October 22, 2005

White Trash and Zealots

When people ask me about my heritage, I answer them in all honesty that I am descended from white trash and zealots. (I said this to my dad once, and he laughed and asked what, exactly, constitutes a zealot. I answered, "Well, anyone who would cross 1000+ miles of farmland in a covered wagon to settle in a desert, I guess.)

The zealotry, of course, is due to the Mormon side--my mother's side. Her great-greats were actually tarred and feathered, persecuted, run out of Navuoo, and crossed the plains to settle in Salt Lake. Bless their hearts.

As for the white trash, my dad grew up in Nebraska in a basement house. His dad worked for the railroad until he died of lung cancer. (I once asked my Granny for her chicken and noodles recipe. She started out with, "Well, it's best to use an old rooster.") Dad was a smart little shit, and perfectly fits the bootstrap-pulling American guy. His sister took a different rout--marrying first a wife beater, and then a pedophile.

So--in my family, we're a little strapped to celebrate our heritage. Last Christmas, I looked up some Danish recipes (the zealot side is predominantly Danish) hoping to, you know, embrace our roots, but found mostly recipes for smoked and jellied fish.

Enter--BOWLING!! What a better way to incorporate both the zealotry and white-trashiness than to take the fam down to the lanes for a little rolling on a Friday night.

Fun was had by all. You'll note that in order to truly celebrate our white trash roots, we all dressed in traditional white trash garb. We dined on traditional white trash fare of French fries drenched in fry sauce, (The fry sauce is a very traditional Mormon/Utah condiment. 1/2 catsup, 1/2 mayo. Delish.) push-up pops, and root beer.

Sophie's a natural. I think she rolled a 35.

Janz rolled a 17, but still had fun.

Erik, of course, won with a 117

Katy was in the running for a long time, but alas, was defeated by Erik with her impressive score of 72.

Here you see my soon to be patented "lean"method of bowling. Simply contort your body in the direction you'd like the ball to roll, and yell, "Get the fuck over!" repeatedly. My method didn't work great, however, and I came in 3rd with a 62.

Today's best thing about being a mom.

Behold--my creation! I started making Sophie's Halloween costume today. It was a total blast. When the glue and paint is dry, I'll post a picture of her in it. If you didn't know, this is Funshine Bear. Along with the hat, I'm making a sweat suit into the rest of the costume. Not bad for a $1.00 Walmart hat, a piece of white felt, and 2 tubes of craft paint, eh?

Today's worst thing about being a mom:

Today, I was forced to play "Jimmy" about 20 times. In case you'd like to play too, here's how it works. Sophie lays in her bed. I scratch on her door, then crawl into her room on all fours. Then, I lick Sophie's face, and whimper a bit. She pretends to wake up, then scratches my ears and says, "You silly pooch!" Then, trade rolls, and repeat 10-20 times.

14 comments:

Katy said...

My score was in the low 90s thank you very little! Very good job on the Funshine bear. Am I a zealot?

lonna said...

I always joke that I am half hick and half Mick. My father is almost all Irish and my mother grew up on a farm and is a mixture of a ton of stuff.

I miss bowling. We used to bowl once a week with several of our friends at Purdue. We haven't had the heart to drag Dermot out to bowling yet. I would love to find a non-smoking bowling alley that's not in the University's union.

By the way, the Funshine Bear hat looks awesome. I have no talent in that area. I was always a fan of Good Luck Bear. He is my Irish friend.

NME said...

The lean method! Genius. The last time I went bowling all I did was swish at the air with my hand and curse. Leaning seems like a vastly improved technique.

I'm nearly 100% German - and they got a bum wrap under that Hitler dude, so I'm not so thrilled with my heritage either.

Tarring and feathering is some serious business. I never understood how gruesome it was until Jonesy was tarred on Carnivale. That is one of the most graphic things I've ever seen.

grody jo-dee said...

my great-granny had a chicken and noodle recipe too! my mom has it, but i've never attempted it. it involves rolling out homemade dough, cutting it, and drying it into strips--voila! homemade noodles! not like it's a lot of work or anything. and she used to make like 2x a week. nothing like thinking about that to make me 1)feel lazy and 2)hungry.

patrice said...

zealots and hicks. you've just described the people in my row-home row. hicks includes drunk homophobes, too, right?

I love the lean method. my method is the throw-the-ball-and-walk-away. as in, I don't even care how many pins get knocked down. I did this once because I was frustrated at my score and to my surprise, it worked. so now I do it all the time. it lends an air of disinterest, sure, but when I whip everyone's ass, it looks more like crazy confidence.

the funshine bear hat is excellent. I suspect sophie will want to wear it all the time.

Jacques Roux said...

Bowling is definitely the new "black" of leisure time activities. It goes with anything. Especially drinking (cue the White Trash theme of your choice).

For those of us who live very far away from our family (at least the ones we're related to by blood), bowling provides a nice escape during the hectic holiday season. You round up all your peeps on Christmas night, after everyone has put in their time with the family and head down to the local alley for cheap beer and a round of Impersonation Bowling. That is, you have to roll in character, be it Robert De Niro in "Raging Bull", or Winonna Ryder in "Edward Scissorhands". Better yet, Johnny Depp in E.S.

Kodi said...

The lean method is impressive. I usually stand with my legs squeezed together and my hands to my mouth as the ball rolls down the aisle. This is usually punctuated with breathy "OH,OH,OH's". Very orgasmic. Alas, I am terrible at bowling.
Sophie will be stylin in her costume this year.

Jen O. said...

My husband and I play Jimmy all the time! Well, it's a slightly different version. But still.

Nice job on the costume. I can't wait to see Sophie dressed as Funshine!

Jen said...

My family has a chicken and noodles recipe like the one Grody Jo-dee mentioned and it is very involved and uses homemade noodles, but we have fashioned a "quickie" version of it that is super easy using frozen egg noodles from the store, chicken broth, chicken and Wondra flour to thicken it up. It is almost as good as the original.

I am terrible at bowling, by the way.

the beige one said...

is bowling really white trash? I thought it was blue collar...though ketchup and mayo, that's...yeah, that's...wow.

Stine said...

Thousand Island Dressing:

1 part ketchup
1 part mayo
tbsp of vinegar
approx. tbsp of sugar
salt and pepper to taste

Courtesy of my white trash Mormon grandmother

KATIEmagic said...

It looks like ya'll had fun bowling, love the lean method. I guess I'm half hippy pot head europeans and half white trash farmers. Good times.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Chicken Soup recipe??????? You mean Chicken soup is not ALWAYS in a can?????????? WOW please don't share this news with my husband.

Actually I would be VERY interested in getting some of your recipes - including chicken soup. I'm thinking it might be a good BLOG! hmmmmmm

rob said...

I know I'm late to the party, but I had to post this regardless: Jaques Roux speaks sooth.

This has been a funtime, Xmas tradition for us for some three years now...character bowling, that is.

Here is a picture of Jak playing along as I bowl Christopher Walken (complete with ex-girlfriend peeing in the background).

SFW