Thursday, January 26, 2006

Somebody call 9-Wah-Wah

This is a bitching/Woe is me/I hate being fat post. Skip it if you've heard enough of that shit. I would.

So--day before yesterday I went to see the doc to start up my phentermine prescription again. Things have been getting pretty dire in the pants department. He looked at my weight and actually shook his head and made that disapproving clicking sound. I could have died of embarrassment. I asked him to scale down the dosage, as the last round was making me too jiggery, and as a result, I quit taking them.

Cut to yesterday--a blizzard. I decided to try and go to the Wednesday yoga class for the first time--got in the car--drove to the Paiute culture cultural center, trudged through the snow to the front door, only to find a note that said--"Yoga Class Canceled." Not too zen to pissed of about yoga--but I was.

Then--as I was already out, decided to go pick up my prescriptions--Both the Lexipro (anti-depressant) and Phentermine (appetite suppressant.) The pharmacy is in a long line of stores, one of which is the LDS bookstore my in-laws own. It also carries a very few "national" titles. I browsed the health and nutrition section, as I generally suck at feeding myself, and picked up "Eight Weeks to Optimum Health" a la Andrew Weil--the bearded nutritional wonder. So I'm reading along, and nodding, and going--sure, sure, sounds good. Then he says, go through my pantry and throw out everything with hydrogenated oils, artificial sweeteners, artificial colors, and all oils that are not olive (particularly cottonseed). Problem. That is like half of my pantry. I know the shit is bad for me--and worse for Sophie, but no Mac and Cheese? No pancake mix? Basically, nothing that has been convenience-ized. Fuck. I know I eat shitty. But everything? Can I? Should I? It seems that if I'm going to do this, I'll have to cook from scratch like EVERY NIGHT!!

So took my pills this morning, and am totally, totally, spun. This didn't happen last time. I'm edgy, gittery, nauseous, and just fucking nuts.

I don't know if I have the will power and time to go the "right" rout. I don't know if I can stand the speediness of the medication. Am feeling like just being unhealthy and 40 (ok 50) pounds overweight for ever. Anyone seen any good sales on moo-moos?

Today's best thing about being a mom:
It gives me something to think and worry about other than myself

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
She woke up at five fucking thirty this morning!! I still had an hour. A whole lovely hour of sleep left. Nope.

18 comments:

~A~ said...

I'm so sorry you're having a rough day or couple of days.

Is there a way you can but the phentermine in half again till you get used to it? I hate that jittery hyper feeling; I'm like that on synthroid or ginseng. It's awful. (Putting on the nutritionist/herbalist hat here) I'm thinking that if you can tolerate an even lower dose and start weaning from the bad foods, which yes, I highly endorse cooking whole (real) foods, soon you'll be getting down to a healthier easy to maintain weight and habits.

Anyway, before I go in to a whole long know-it-all / none of my business tirade. I’ll just say ‘good for you for becoming healthier’. And even though I, like, don’t even know you except that you’re a “friend” of some sorts to my brother, I’d be more than happy to give you any help or support you want.

amandak said...

I feel like I want to say something, but it's hard to know what. I think if the pills make you feel like shit, that's a sign that shouldn't be ignored. It SUCKS that yoga was cancelled, but please please don't give up on it. I think you know that the answer is never an all or nothing proposition, and I think ~a~ has a good suggestion in maybe trying to work with both options, chemical and nutritional. Bottom line, do what makes you feel good, and never forget that we all love you no matter how your pants fit.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Have you tried Weight Watchers - I'm going Monday to BEG my doctor for Phentermine (I used to do Phen-Fin and boy was that GREAT) then I was thinking about trying the Phen & WW so hopefully it will be a winning (I mean Losing) combination!

Hang in there!

Heather said...

If I had to cook everything from scratch I would starve. There you have it... that's how I will loose the extra 10 pounds that has adhered its self to my stomach area, I will begin cooking. Great plan huh?

lonna said...

I can't stand that jittery feeling. I get that when my synthroid dosage is a little too high. I hope that you figure out what is best for you.

We cook from scratch almost daily, and it's not so hard once you get used to it, but it can be a pretty hard switch.

beanspot said...

If it makes you feel any better, Andrew Weil is a quack, pure and simple and lies to make money. There are certainly other ways to eat healthy and still be sane and not give up a laundry list of items because some guy told you to.

Buffy said...

Darlin', phentermine is evil. Stay away. I just read that the FDA is getting ready to approve Xenical/Orlistat for over the counter use. If you MUST use....these are much better alternatives. If you're really tough try Michael Thurmond's six week body makeover. It did for me what nothing else could.

But to be honest....I think you may be a little nut with this whole weight thing. You look fabulous!

Missuz J said...

Beanspot/Ethan's daddy,

I researched and researched to find a mainstream diet guy who was reasonably well thought of. A quack really? How come?

shawnak said...

Missuzj,
I can soooo totally relate to your frustrations. I too am/have always struggled with my weight. I went the Phen-fin route(loved it) and recently phentrmine, but it didn't do anything for me, maybe it was too low a dose?! I know it's not healthy but when you can see your ass from the front, something must be done :P
I did Weight Watchers and it totally worked (lost 37 lbs, but quit and regained it) and I didn't feel deprived like I did on the low carb thing. My thing is finding the inner motovation to stay on some kind of eating plan (actually need to START SOMETHING not just stay on a plan)
As for cooking whole foods ALL the time...not gonna happen for me, not at this time in my life./ I guess we just have to start somewhere by making healthy changes (no matter how small at first) and not beat ourselves up for not being perfect. But if you find some cool thing that REALLY works let me know!!!!

thelyamhound said...

Most of Andrew Weil's advice seems pretty sound, as far as it goes, but you don't have to be a nazi about it. Look into cutting down on some of those ingredients as opposed to eliminating them wholesale. I'd start with the cottonseed oil because a) its presence is usually a good indicator of heavily processed and/or junk food and b) because cotton has NEVER been regulated as a food because it's used primarily as a textile, so the pesticide burden in the seeds is very high.

But for the most part, he's really just offering reasoning for a simple program of variety and greater reliance on whole foods. Even if he's a "quack" (I've heard both sides of that debate, and have my own opinions; but there's little use getting into that here), that doesn't make him wrong. If there's one thing I've learned reading about diet and talking to my doctor, it's that no one has a monopoly on truth in the matter of food.

On the other hand, B, this isn't really about food. I'm not sure how comfortable I feel getting into this, or how much liberty I have to say . . . but I'll try to dodge any great controversey and get to a couple of the more central matters.

First of all--and be warned, I'm setting off hypocrisy alarms at every corner of my being, because I'm just as bad as you at this, even if it manifests differently--you have GOT to learn to love your body. And I mean LOVE it the way it is. Because if you don't, you'll never recognize the difference between foods that make you feel good and foods that make you feel bad. You'll never recognize the difference between medications that help you and medications (like phentermine, IMO) that are poisoning you. You'll never recognize the difference between eating when you're hungry and eating to alleviate depression or boredom. And worst of all, you'll spend a lot of time punishing yourself for your perceived weight problem, and not enough taking control of your health.

So don't cook from scratch every day if there just isn't time. Just cook from scratch MORE. Don't get rid of all you cottonseed oil and mac & cheese. Just rely on it less. Don't give up on looking and feeling better. Just recognize that you DO look good, and that feeling good is the best path to looking even beter.

I think that you also need to look at your relationship with exercise more. Or better yet, think of ways that your life can be more physically active. I know, busy mother stuff and all that. But the next time you catch yourself watching Sophie play, get up and play with her. Walk more. Sit on the floor and stretch while you watch TV.

I think you'll find that when you introduce better food and more activity into your life, you'll be inspired to pursue more of both. It's just a hunch, but it tends to work for me. Do I relapse? All the time. My vices are alcohol, coffee, tobacco and . . . other things, things that tend to lead to sloth and overeating. But when I come back to taking care of myself, it's because I remember it being a good thing . . . and it always is.

OK, I just TOTALLY went off; and I'd feel bad if I didn't think you needed to hear it. But I'll stop now. If you want to elaborate on anything, or if you want to chastise me for excessive candor, you know where to email me.

patrice said...

while I don't want to minimize your being upset, I do want to say that having met you, I find it HARD to believe that you need to lose that much weight to be healthy. I really do. I think we all feel like we could look a little better, but 40 or 50 pounds? it just doesn't seem possible without looking anorexic.

in WW, they tell you to first lose 10% of your current body weight. little successes spur you on. baby steps.

Stine said...

First of all--and be warned, I'm setting off hypocrisy alarms at every corner of my being, because I'm just as bad as you at this, even if it manifests differently--you have GOT to learn to love your body. And I mean LOVE it the way it is. Because if you don't, you'll never recognize the difference between foods that make you feel good and foods that make you feel bad. You'll never recognize the difference between medications that help you and medications (like phentermine, IMO) that are poisoning you. You'll never recognize the difference between eating when you're hungry and eating to alleviate depression or boredom. And worst of all, you'll spend a lot of time punishing yourself for your perceived weight problem, and not enough taking control of your health.

- I agree with everything Ly said here (and excuse me while I turn off the hypocrisy alarm).

Honey, all the outside changes in the world aren't going to stick until you get to the bottom of why you don't feed yourself the way you should. It is my belief, based on what I know about you, that these changes are to be found in your head and in your heart. But we've had this talk before.

I just worry about your kidney's and your liver on phentermine, but we've had this talk before too.

And PS - you're doctor should be shot. I wish you could see a nutritionist, a naturopath, and/or psychologist specializing in eating "issues".

Alright I should stop too before my rant takes full hold.

Bottom line, I love you and want you to take care of yourself. I hope that one day you can take care of yourself like you take care of your daughter.

NME said...

You've got alot of advice her and I don't know what I could possibly add. Diet drugs scare me. Trend diets scare me.

Moderation. Moderation. Moderation. I agree that working to eat better MOST of the time is the answer. And that working to be healthier overall is the key. The question is whether we feel like doing the work.

Good luck!

~A~ said...

Yeah back again. Told ya I'm nosey.

Stine said it best when she said, "see a nutritionist, a naturopath, and/or psychologist specializing in eating "issues"."

A lot of times when we women get so busy with kids/work/school/relationships/everything else in life, we tend to forget how to eat and take care of ourselves properly.

You've already taken the right step with the yoga, that's awesome. And then following with minor food changes toward whole food will make a difference too. One of my changes, because I was tired of packing around that last 20 lbs of baby weight, was no more ice cream for deserts. What does ice cream have to offer? A tiny bit of calcium maybe. I substituted it for a bowl of frozen triple-berry mix with a bit of raw sugar to sweeten them. So I get the benefit of the vitamins and minerals that they offer, I control the amount of sugar, and berries, especially blueberries, are full of anti-oxidants.

Mac-N-Cheese - instead of Kraft, we switched to Annie's, which costs a little more but it tastes so much better.

If you're a mash potato fan, instead of the box stuff take the extra minute to make them from scratch. Potatoes have more potassium than a banana so they should be high on the good for you list, (bad no-carb people). And go light on the toppings if you prefer baked potatoes. I don't say no to butter and sour cream but it doesn't take a lot to flavor. And please use butter, not that fake crap. I have a funny/scary story about cookies that were made with margarine and Crisco and those suckers did not mold. Very unnatural.

Watch out for those tricky supposedly whole grain snacks. If you read the info it most likely has HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) which just will add to the problem. You'll find that it's in everything and hard to cut out 100% but you can at least be aware of how much you consume.

Like Ly and Stine said, you have to love yourself first and say, I want to lose this weight because I want to be healthy and physically strong, not because I want to look like so-n-so skinny person. My personal weight lose goals were because

1. I have an extremely over weight cousin who had a large cancer tumor on her knee. It wasn't diagnose for the longest time because the doctor thought like many of us did, if she lost some weight to a healthier size then her knee wouldn't hurt so much.

2. My family hikes year around and now that Elf is out of the kid carrier we can go backcountry camping. That means hubby and I have to carry the bulk of gear and that's a lot for 6 people, even on an over night trip. I don't want to get out there this weekend and be miserable.

See, look, I did what I didn't want to do, I rambled on and on. I'm sorry.
Oh shoot, if you want to email me RockingThistle at yahoo that's what I use for spam anyway. It seems so overwhelming when you're looking up from the base of the mountain but each step it really gets easier. Obviously you have a ton of support and love no matter what you chose to do. (((HUGS)))

thelyamhound said...

Annie's macaroni & cheese rocks.

~A~ said...

There needs to be a warning though, Annie's mac-n-cheese is kiddy crack. It's soooooooooooooo grood.

KATIEmagic said...

Man I hate dealing with my weight. I tried the Fat Flush once and damn it really works. Until you realized you're starving yoursef thinner. I tried the Xedadrine/cigarettes/coffee diet once too. It works like gangbusters until you get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of a class and pass out from all the speed in your system. For me doing everything from scratch just isn't practical. I don't know what the real answer is. Just know that I feel your pain.

A very wise woman recently told me to be gentle and loving to myself. It was the best advice I'd gotten in a long ass time.

beanspot said...

Weil just can't seem to separate common sense medical (and diet advice) from weirder stuff that is not scientific and has no basis in medical fact (some of which could really hurt you.) You might get some advice that makes sense in terms of diet (e.g. avoid lots of fat and cholesterol), but on the whole I would rather find someone who supports rational thought in everything so at least you know all of the advice is good and don't have to try and pick and choose.
He's one of those "doctors" who says science isn't necessary, and that is always dangerous.
You can surely find a doctor with diet advice that is reasonable. McDougal is good except he wants everyone to be vegan which is not the easiest thing.