Thursday, October 04, 2007

It’s alive!

It = the blog, and in all honesty, just barely.

My dears, I think this blog has jumped the shark.

As I sit here at my desk, munching my apple and pita chips with hummus (don't be impressed. Yesterday it was a teriyaki burger from Carl's Jr.) I really think I may have run out of things to say.

I've thought of blogging about school. I'm sure I could get huge chuckles over painfully bad writing that my kids sometimes turn in. Also, running a "best lie of the day" section would be easy/schmeasy. We could even do the longest/dumbest education acronym, or most asinine euphemism (how's "Student Involvement Activity" for worksheet). But I think I'd probably get fired.

Soph is just big. She's in school all day. Her daily exploits are often unbeknownst to me, her mother. Sure, at times she'll start singing "For He's the Jolly Good Butt Crack" for no apparent reason, but butt-crack songs do not a complete blog make.

So—I'm stuck. I can't blog in honesty about myself—because that would piss people off and make my life more difficult. I can't blog about my kid, because she's kind of running out of material. I can't blog about work, because that would lead to official reprimands.

I don't know what to do. Maybe some letters to inanimate objects.


Dear Work Chair,

You've been my work chair for a while now. On the outside you look reasonably nice. You adjust up and down, and tilt forward and back. You're very rolley, and spinney, and a not-to-vomitous shade of teal green. But chair, I know your game. Benign though you may be on the outside, a torture rack lurks underneath. All I have to do is sit in you for 2 minutes, and the pain begins. First a pang to the left of my lower spine. Then a pang to the right. My ass begins to fall asleep, and I start shifting around on my pelvis, my spine clicking like little mouse castanets. Well know this. Your time is almost up. Some day and soon, you'll find yourself dumpster diving. So there.


Dear Vitamin Water,

I bought you at Smiths for lunch because you were near the check-out and on sale. Apparently you are tropical citrus flavored, and are designed to give me NRG. Sweet. I could use some of that. I am noticing, however, that you contain no juice. Fine, fine, rest on your guarana content, if that's how you want to roll. If you can get me through 4th period independent study, a play-date at my house with 2 little girls plus my own, help me actually make dinner instead of ordering take out, and keep me out of bed until at least 9:00, I don't care if your secret ingredient is dog shit. Ok. I would care. But not if it was, say iguana scale or even fish pancreas. If fish have a pancreas. I'm not sure about that. Anyway—keep on vapor distilling and reverse osmosising. Peace.



There--A post. Now then, because I am a comment whore and must go whoring around for comments, you have 3 options. 1. Tell me what you had for lunch today. Details please. 2. Tell me how much you missed me and how empty your life was without me. 3. You're on your own. Throw up a random comment like you usually do. You know, like "Wow! A teriyaki burger? I had one of those a couple of years ago and found a rat tail in the pineapple slice."

6 comments:

Katiemagic said...

I think I love you.

Maybe you could find an anonymous spot to blog about what's going on with you. And then tell me about it because I'm dying to know.

lonna said...

I did not enjoy my lunch today, but I had our version of Mexican. Refried beans, scrambled tofu, diced sweet and regular potatoes, onions, and vegan "cheeze" sauce. Meh. I actually enjoyed my granny smith apple more and I'm not a big fruit person.

Part of me doesn't think that it matters what you blog about. You have such a unique voice that it's all good.

Oh, and I've never had a teriyaki burger. I had teriyaki tofu in New Orleans and that was great. Sorry, I just wasn't very creative when I was eating meat.

NME said...

My lunch normally consists of eating bits of whatever it is I am cutting up for Noah. It usually consists of big chunks of cheese, assorted fruit, cherry tomatoes and chips - all eaten while standing.

Yes. Blog about anything. It doesn't matter. I love reading your writing and want to hear anything you care to share. And if you decided to piss people off once in awhile - all the better. I'd love to email you personally all the time but I get so litte time on the computer that blogs is the only way I have to communicate - en masse.

We don't have Carl Jr. around here. At least I've never seen them. And YUM - fish pancreas. Is that what makes the "lemonade" vitamin water taste so good?

~A~ said...

I miss you so much that I didn't even have lunch today so I'm going to have to tell you about my lunch, yesterday. It was a hot prosciutto de parma and provolone panini with a cup of coffee. Then Honey left for work and I found myself in a very cluttered house by myself. So I said screw you to the sink full of dishes, dirty toilet and mountain of laundry and I took the Nintendo DSs to Starbucks where I sat in the ugly green comfy chair in the corner with a pumpkin spice late for a whole hour and a half.

patrice said...

your blog doesn't have to have a point, or a theme, or even regular posts. it's yours, it's whatever and whenever, it's sophie said butt crack today and I hate my desk chair and today I feel bloated. even if it's 3 months between posts. there's no duty or obligation to it. if you put too many parameters around it, it will die. use it like a friend that's good to bitch to but that you would never help move.

I am having sesame chicken a la healthy choice today. I would rather have a falafel sandwich from the cart on 17th street though.

OldMotherHubbardSharesAll said...

Teriyaki burgers have PINEAPPLE? WOW!

Okay I have missed you! I check here at least everyother day waiting for a posting......finally here it is I am happy again!