Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Three's a crowd--sometimes

Sorry to those of you unfortunate souls who read this mornings post. I deleted it. I was wallowing in a bit of self centered-ness, and totally talking out of my ass. For those of you who missed it--count yourselves lucky.

So--on to a topic which has previously been off limits in my blog. Erik. My husband. My love. My friend. My constant struggle. The mirror in which I see myself every day--and sometimes, I don't like what I see.

The Jorgensen house is a house full of Leos. If you know anything about astrology, you should be shaking your head or gasping in pity for us. All Leos secretly expect that when they enter a room, be it the waiting room at the doctor's office or the living room at a friend's house, they will receive a standing ovation. Of course, this rarely happens, and as a result, we always feel just slightly let down. By nature, Leos are leaders--following is a bit beneath us. We want to be adored, respected, and we want people to do what we tell them to do. The picture isn't totally grim, because being around a Leo is usually a lot of fun. Because we want your adoration, we're willing to earn it, and tend to be witty and clever and fun (we hope).

This is true of all 3 Jorgensen Leos. We all think that the other two should really be a bit more grateful to be able to spend their time with us. We all are sure that WE are the leader of this pride, and the other two should just shut the fuck up and do what we say. (Sorry for the odd plural pronoun usage.) As a result, things are often rocky.

Before Sophie came along, Erik and I battled often for the role of HLIC (head lion in charge). Things got down right ugly a few times. In my family, the silent treatment is an art. We did not yell. We offered one another stony and stoic looks--often going months without saying more than the absolute necessity to one who had crossed us. Erik's family, on the other hand, are fighters--yellers--get it on the table and have it out-ers. So, for the first several years of our marriage, he yelled and I suffered in silence, and we were both pretty miserable.

Then, just before I found out I was pregnant, things started going better. We started communicating--getting along. That lasted about 9 months. Along came Sophie, the grandest lion in all the jungle, and things went south.

Now that she's 2, headstrong 2, noncompliant 2, sweet and sassy 2, we may need to hire a mediator. Because we are together ALL DAY EVERY DAY Sophie has become a bit of a mommy's girl. This obviously hurts Erik's feelings. Who wouldn't be put out by a statement like, "Mommy--tell daddy to go back to work." Her Leo need to control and his Leo pride are clashing big time. Add to that the fact that he and I hardly spend any time alone together and I'm obsessive about the house and being a good mom and often forget that he and I are the most important twosome in my life--not me and Sophie, and you can see how the dynamic can be in my house.

Without going into detail, things came to a head last night, and something is going to need to change. So--although Erik doesn't read my blog daily (as he should) I want to tell him here--in public (kind-of) that I love him. That I'm sorry that Sophie and I sometimes form a club of 2. That I am going to try harder to make room and time for just him and me. That I appreciate him so much and don't know what I'd do without him.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Well folks--kids will teach you more about yourself than any other person or thing on the planet.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
It's so hard to be a mom and a wife and a friend and a sister and a daughter and an employee and well--yourself!--without dropping the ball and leaving someone or something out.


NME said...

Amen. It is SO hard to balance the roles of wife and mother. I'm a worrier and overprotective of Noah plus a bit of a control freak - so it makes Mark's life unnecessarily hard sometimes. And he works so hard to be involved, to chip in and be an equal partner in parenting - and I really need to acknowledge that more.
I feel sad for Mark sometimes - he used to get all the doting - and now he gets so little. And as hard as he works at being involved and chipping in with Noah - Mommy always gets top billing. At least for the first couple of years. Before we all learn to blame our moms for everything. Erik can look forward to that.
Good luck!

patrice said...

I think that I might be a closet leo. or perhaps one of my gemini selves is a leo. leo rising. or whatev.

it's gotta be hard going through what you're going through. I suspect that if I talked to sean about it, I'd find that he feels alot like erik might sometimes. bella clearly reaches out to me more and smiles for me more and I tend to know what she needs more, and I know sean feels a little slighted by that. especially since he watches her by himself for 3 days out of the week.

anyway, your interweb friends are always here to hear you vent and listen to your woes. and erik's. maybe he should start a blog. in all seriousness, I wonder if it would make him feel better if he got some stuff off his chest, vented a bit? maybe that's what "it came to a head last night" means, though. and venting seems to be a more feminine need than a male need.

I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I just gave blood and I think it hasn't replaced itself yet.

Stine said...

See but Erik should realize what all women, at some point, realize - that one can get what one wants by sometimes being submissive, quiet, in the wings and understated. The submissive is ALWAYS in control.


amandak said...

Just have to say how proud I am of all the hard work you put into balancing all those many roles. It's not easy, but it's SO worth it. See you soon! Love you tons!!

lonna said...

Alas, I am married to a Leo too, and he has also taken a back to seat to our 16 month-old. I certainly don't have any advice, but sometimes it helps to hear that others are in the same boat.

Katy said...

Honey, this is why god invented Aunties!! when you and Erik need a moment pawn the little lion club off on Aunt Pisces. What men don't understand (and me neither for that matter) is that mother and child have a bond, it comes from having someone live inside you for 9 months.

Lianne said...

Once again I have to say I love your blog. I am so glad I happened upon it.

I totally understand the delicate balance between putting husband first, child first, and you first. Sometimes the math just doesn't work out. Hurray for you for tetting that your relationship with hubbie is the "more" important, but not necessarily the one that gets the most time.

Keep up the incredible blogging.