Can one addendum an addendum?
I'm realizing now that I was pretty unclear last time. You see, it was my husband who "ripped me a new one" and no, it wasn't about the posting, it was about the puking.
He's seen me go through this for, oh 10 years now, and is pretty passionate about it. HE read my blog as a cry for help, and thought I was being pretty blase about it. He was NOT angry with me for "going public" but for being self destructive, again
E watched me drop 50+ pounds 2 years ago, and watched me come pretty close to killing myself while doing it. Thing is guys--I LOVED being skinny. I LOVED being a member of the skinny-girls' club--tucking my shirts in and everything. Now--having been out of the club for almost a year, I want back in. That want overrules my better sense. E knows that. It scares him--more than it scares me.
Bulimia is about weight loss to a certain degree, but mostly it is about control. Trying to stay in control when really, you've pretty much lost it. Trying to, um, have your cake and eat it too. Things have been feeling pretty out of control for me--with my health shit, etc. It makes sense that combining that with these extra pounds is going to be pretty risky.
So, thanks ever so for the kindness, and for the righteous indignation on my behalf. E and I continue to have our struggles, but one thing we have never struggled with is how much he loves me, and how determined he is to care about the fucked-up stuff I sometimes do.
Again, I put the last post up because so much of eating disorder shit is that it's between, well, you and you. No one notices that you're all hammered, like an alcoholic. And particularly with bulimia, people don't notice that you're not eating, or loosing weight excessively, because they do see you eat, and the weight loss, let's face it, isn't that great. Bulimia is about hiding and about control. I'm trying not to hide, and trying to admit that the control--well, I really don't have it.