Wednesday, June 07, 2006


Can one addendum an addendum?

I'm realizing now that I was pretty unclear last time. You see, it was my husband who "ripped me a new one" and no, it wasn't about the posting, it was about the puking.

He's seen me go through this for, oh 10 years now, and is pretty passionate about it. HE read my blog as a cry for help, and thought I was being pretty blase about it. He was NOT angry with me for "going public" but for being self destructive, again

E watched me drop 50+ pounds 2 years ago, and watched me come pretty close to killing myself while doing it. Thing is guys--I LOVED being skinny. I LOVED being a member of the skinny-girls' club--tucking my shirts in and everything. Now--having been out of the club for almost a year, I want back in. That want overrules my better sense. E knows that. It scares him--more than it scares me.

Bulimia is about weight loss to a certain degree, but mostly it is about control. Trying to stay in control when really, you've pretty much lost it. Trying to, um, have your cake and eat it too. Things have been feeling pretty out of control for me--with my health shit, etc. It makes sense that combining that with these extra pounds is going to be pretty risky.

So, thanks ever so for the kindness, and for the righteous indignation on my behalf. E and I continue to have our struggles, but one thing we have never struggled with is how much he loves me, and how determined he is to care about the fucked-up stuff I sometimes do.

Again, I put the last post up because so much of eating disorder shit is that it's between, well, you and you. No one notices that you're all hammered, like an alcoholic. And particularly with bulimia, people don't notice that you're not eating, or loosing weight excessively, because they do see you eat, and the weight loss, let's face it, isn't that great. Bulimia is about hiding and about control. I'm trying not to hide, and trying to admit that the control--well, I really don't have it.


~A~ said...

At least you know that he cares about you.

I do understand too. Perhaps you can reassure him that you're trying to lose weight so you can be healthy and happy and that you're doing it the healthy and correct way, that in the long term is going to help you keep it off.

Weight is something that I have issues with too, I come from genetically heavy genes (hunh, yeah that makes sense). Plus I have the ever loverly thyroid thing going on. I found through educating myself and my body on what foods and how much foods are good for me, I lost weight and have maintained. I'm from the philosophy that we're poisoning ourselves with processed foods and foods that we don't fully understand (read soy and soy products).

But you also have the extra burden of the CFS ~ don't discount that. I really think that once you break out of that CFS cycle that's holding you back, you'll feel better all around, the weight will come off, the health will improve, you'll be happy again.

If you need control, control your menu. SB is a good start, but don't forget those vitamins and minerals that you get from fruits and grains that your body needs. Esp. with the CFS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(((HUGS))) and loves, me

JJisafool said...

You're brave and open and honest.

Rare qualities all three those.

Damnit, I've gone Amish diction again.