Soccer mom?

Imagine this: Sophie Gene--her hair in braids. She's wearing shiny black Adidas soccer shorts (2 smacks at the kids clothes consignment store) that come down to her pudgy knees and poof out in the back because of her toddler ghetto booty. Shin pads that cover her leg from knee to ankle. Cleats. A pink Power Puff Girls t-shirt. Tucked under her right arm is a brand new 3 year old size but official non-the less-soccer ball. And she's grinning like I just told her she could drink a glass of maple syrup for breakfast.

Sophie had her first soccer practice yesterday, AND I DIDN'T BRING THE CAMERA!!

I could just kick myself in the ass about a million times.

She's not officially on the team yet. That will have to wait until she turns 4, but a fellow teacher (and very very sporty gal) coaches her son's 4-6 year old team, and said Soph could start coming to practices now, and start playing in games after her birthday in August.

Now--you may not have noticed, but I'm not much of a sportster. That is, I play exactly none sports, neither do I watch them on tv. So--Soph has very little background info on the world of "two teams travel with a ball in oposite directions and put it in a very specific place and therefore earn points." We play pretend. We cook. We read. We watch too many movies. I guess that's why upon arriving at her very first soccer practice, her first item of business was showing everyone (boys/girls/parents/coach) her cool new gear--asking each "Cute--huh?" Then, she tried to get the other kids to pretend the ball was a jewel, and she was a princess, and they were dragons. Eventually she caught on to the fact that she was supposed to be practicing kicking the ball, etc., and had an ok time.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Helping her strap on her shin guards

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Two of her friends had a play date today--and she wasn't invited, which is fine. But, she was very sad and shed many tears and my heart broke just a little.

Well, the verdict is in, and apparently, Mr. Epstein Barr is responsible for my recent malaise. My feeling on this are mixed. Apparently I’m not completely crazy, but as I’ve said before, I’ve always looked somewhat askance on the CFS/Epstein Barr thing. Plus, I can’t really figure out what it is. On most of the web sites I visit looking for information, Epstein Barr seems to be used interchangeably with mono. I’ve read in a couple of other places that Epstein Barr is the virus that CAUSES mono. I’ve also read that in adults, the symptoms are called “Epstein Barr,” and in teenagers, the symptoms are called, “mono.” Apparently, between 40% and 50% of adults have the Epstein Barr virus—but it doesn’t “activate” in most people. Basically—color me confused.

I don’t know why or how I have it—just that I do. The nurse I talked to on the phone told me to get a good multivitamin, along with a B complex vitamin, and to come in for B12 shots as often as once a week. She said to sleep whenever I can. She said that I’m “peaking” (haven’t done that since my college days) right now, and will “exhibit acute symptoms” for the next several weeks. She said that my numbers (whatever numbers they are—and whoever is counting them) should be around 19 and are at like 164 (whatever that means).

What I do know is I’m tired. Deadly tired. I also know that I basically don’t give a shit about much of anything, and that the kitchen is being devoured by dishes and my bedroom floor is being devoured by laundry. I know I’m getting wrinkles. I know that I need to take better care of myself. I know that I hate to do that.

Boo-fucking-hoo.

Now then—Sophie news. We had an incident with the honey bear yesterday. She wants to love it. To tart it around the house, drinking honey directly from the poor little guy’s head at will. I do not want this. Yesterday, I caught her with the honey bear. She startled, took it out of her mouth, and said, “I love you mommy!”

I had a conference with her teacher and learned that Soph is brilliant and clever in almost every way—other than real world things. She recognizes letter sounds better than anyone in her class—but is the only one who can’t zip her coat. She’s the only one who knows the primary colors—knows that they’re called primary colors, and knows how to mix them to make secondary colors—but refuses to put the straw in her juice box by herself. So—I’m thinking this is operator error—and I’m the operator. We play word games. We make play-dough. We read and read and read. BUT—I always am in a hurry to get things done, and do things for her she should be learning to do on her own. So—note to self, quit babying my baby—because she’s not a baby anymore.

Today’s best thing about being a mom:
Taking out her braids and sending her to school with beautiful wavy “princess hair.”

Today’s worst thing about being a mom:
Waiting for her to ZIP HER DAMN JACKET UP!!

It's a miracle!

So--although I am just slightly more than a little hung-over, and although I woke up this morning to discover I had started my period (a week early--weird), and although I'm going on about 5 hours sleep, I am for some reason feeling good. I. Am. Feeling. Good. Weird--huh?

Could be because I've been having an Emergen-C every morning for the last few days.
Could be because one of my #1 peeps, CT, has moved back to S. Utah from the swamps of Florida and is currently sleeping soundly in Sophie's bed.
Could be because day before yesterday we took the kids at school on a field trip to Zion and I got some serious hike-age in.
Could be because yesterday E did like 7 HOURS of yard work.
Could be season 6, episode 8 (Smashed.) (Alright--Angel gets my heart. Captain Mal gets my mind. But--Spike gets my body. Damn.)
Could be because I found some muscle relaxers in the medicine cabinet this morning and took 2.
Could be because Soph and I just did a killer dance to "Put the Lime in the Coconut."
Could be because a night of dominoes, Uno, and Cuba-Libras always does a body good.

Who knows. Maybe Mercury is now out of retrograde?

Doc report--Mainly he took some blood and listened to me boo hoo. He thinks the symptoms sound a lot like Epstein Barr. I hope not for a couple of reasons. One--I've kind of been known to mock the Epstein Barr--like, OK you have Epstein Barr. Now get off your ass and quit being a baby. Two--well, it would suck. Blood work comes back tomorrow, so I'll go back and see if anything shows up.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
Don't tell, but I kind of like playing Barbies.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Trying to keep her damn pants on

blah blah

Took the cute naked pics of Soph off after reading a comment from Mrs. Hubbard reminding me of all the pervy bastards on-line. This really pissed me off--not at OMH, but the fact that the world is a fucked up enough place that a 3 year old's neked bum could lead to issues.

I have an appointment on Thursday (totally forgot the one I had scheduled YESTERDAY) do have some blood work done. I can't decide if I'd rather hear that I have some wasting disease or am in actuality, just a lazy looser who won't get off of her fat ass. I HAVE been eating better, and been trying to get more exercise, but still just feel generally shitty. Tired, teary, achy, bitchy, and my IQ seems to be dropping several points a day.

Soph had a fun Easter. The bunny brought egg shaped gum (among other things)--which was the biggest hit of the century.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
I'm sure this will get old very soon, but she's started putting on little ballets for me to watch.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Stupid internet pervs

p.s. Buffy update. Part way through season five. Umm. Spike=Yummy, yummy, yummy

Call the wambulance

Prepare for some serious crybaby shit

The last two days have been hard. I’ve had a crash and burn of previously unknown proportions. I’m tired in a very, I don’t know, almost aggressive way. It’s not like, “Hmm. Feeling a little sleepy. Wish I could have a little nap,” but, “As my body apparently weights a ton, and as I can not move or walk, I must get in bed now and once I get there, I will not move for 24 hours.” I’ve been able to make myself do the minimum required of a mother and teacher. Sophie has been fed and clothed (mostly) and my students have had something to do (mostly) but anything not urgently required has not happened. No paper grading. No house cleaning. I make it through school, pick up Soph, and then crash on the couch until E gets home, then I go to bed. At 5:00.

Yesterday afternoon I had to take Soph with me to an ALS (Alternative Language Services—formerly known as ESL) meeting at one of the elementary school libraries. She was very good, but accumulated a huge pile of books from hither and thither around the library. I tried to put them away, but finally said, fuck it, and just dropped them in the return box. Received some pretty icy looks for that from the other teachers. After the meeting, I let her play on the play ground for a while. Twice, I ran right into a metal bar or pole and almost knocked myself senseless. I swear—I just didn’t see them. The fog.

But—today is feeling marginally better. Hopefully I’ll be able to stay out of bed until at least 8:00 tonight.

Now then, enough crybaby shit. Anyone have tips on fake eyelashes? My experience with them has been fraught with trauma. The individual lashes didn’t work, because they kind of need to sit on/nestle in your real lashes—so, problem there. I then tried the “strip” lashes, but apparently, the glue for the “individual” lashes is different from the glue for “strip” lashes. The “individual” lash glue is clear and very much like super glue. It dries brittle, and once it’s on something, it doesn’t come off. So—I put it on the strip lashes, not realizing that it was the wrong stuff, and stuck them on. 1st—ouch. 2nd—when I took/pried them off, they were totally ruined.

Back to the beauty store where I discovered the 2 glue nature of fake eyelashes. So, armed with a new tube of “strip” glue and some “Mocha Brown Wispies,” I tried again.

The glue for “strip” lashes is like rubber cement. In theory, it moves with your eye, and when you take the lashes off, the glue is supposed to peel off. Not so much. I kind of got the lashes on straight, opened my eye, and the glue stuck to my eye lid, creating a kind of scary “This chick’s eyelids either have Leprosy or are covered in rubber cement” look. Not precisely the look I’m going for, which is more of a “What me? Of course I have eyelashes. What do you think I am? Some kind of a nut ball who obsessively pulls her eyelashes out?” kind of look.

So—took those lashes off—scrubbed the rubber cement from my eyelids—and began to try removing the glue from the lashes. No. They were totally covered in glue, and no amount of peeling was going to free them. I ruined them too.

Now I’m trying to decide—do I go buy yet another pair? (They’re not too expensive—about 3 bucks a pop.) Or do I just give up, keep wearing my glasses and hope no one notices (why do I care), and wait for the real ones to grow back. I’m still undecided on this.

Today’s best thing about being a mom:
I picked Sophie up early from school yesterday. The drill at Montessori is that you pull up into a round driveway, and the teacher brings your kid out, puts him/her in the car sear, and off you go. Because I was early though, I went into the playground to get her. She was sitting in the sand box with 3 other little girls. After squealing and giving me a hug, she stood next to me, gestured to me very regally, and said to the little girls, “I’d like to introduce you to my mother. Her name is Rebecca.” Of course, the other girls didn’t so much as look up—but Soph didn’t seem to notice. She then introduced me to the girls in the sand box, repeating the performance, “Mother, I’d like to introduce you to my friend. Her name is …” She then went through this process with all of the teachers. It was fairly hilarious.

Today’s worst thing about being a mom:
Knowing that I’m not taking care of her as well as I should lately.

(Oh. No comments on the above "Woe-is me" section. I’m too much of a comment whore to turn them off, but to take a page out of Patrice’s blog—they would just make me feel like a big (ger) looser. So instead, please limit responses to eyelash info OR answer this question: If you could have anyone alive on earth be your slave for the day, who would you choose, and what would be the first thing you would have him/her do?)

Updates

Eyelash update (huh?): Yes--here's your update on my eyelashes. I mentioned a while back that I LOVE to pull out my eyelashes. I think there's a psychological term for it that starts with a "T." Usually, I can keep myself together, and only pull out a couple every week or so. But. Last night, I was all kinds of weird, don't know why. Just my latent psychosis oozing out I guess, and I pulled out almost all of the lashes on my left eye. I mean, I have a bald eyelid. Just a little fringe in either corner. Not particularly attractive--let me tell you. So today after picking Soph up, she and I made a trip to the beauty supply store. A very nice lady helped me out after I explained the issue. She examined my naked eyelid, and recommended the individual lashes. Actually, there are about 3 lashes stuck together, and then you GLUE them to your lid wherever you need a little more, um, lash. I left the place with a box of "individual" lashes, a tube of eyelash glue (yikes) and a set of non-drag queen (I hope) looking regular false eyelashes in case I can't figure out the other ones. When I'm done here, I'm going to give them a try. Dur.

House update: I finished ripping up all the carpet in the living room--under the couches and everything--and it doesn't look bad at all. At least it's an improvement over the old, cheap, repulsively filthy carpet. I scrubbed the whole thing on my hands and knees (aside--do all guys find women scrubbing on their hands and knees sexy? When I'm scrubbing the floor or tub--I mean, really scrubbing, like with a bucket and sponge--E won't quit grabbing at my ass and other, um, appendages. Very annoying.) and put some refinisher stuff on it, and really, it's not bad. Of course, I did just pile the carpet and pad on the patio in pieces and mounds, and then it rained, and E had to clean it up, and was annoyed.

School update: I'm working with my 10th graders on both following and writing instructions. Fuck dude--I'm in WAY over my head here. Apparently, there's some kind of mental block with teenagers either following or writing step by step instructions. I've had to get a little creative, and we're doing some origami for the following instructions bit (have become a bit "in to" the origami. It's very meditative and quite orderly.) and making treasure hunts for the writing instructions bit.

Soph update: She's growing like a weed, both physically and otherwise. Her current favorite play friend is her dad. Their 2 favorite games are "Black Wizard" (E is the Black Wizard and captures Sophie--known for Black Wizard purposes as "Princess Peach." The princess must then say the magic words, "A la peanut butter sandwiches with boysenberry jelly on top. Chicky chicky ya ya bomb bomb!" and then she is free for 2 seconds. These 2 seconds are spent shrieking and running--not to far, because then the Black Wizard wouldn't capture her again for 80 or so repetitions. The other is "Kung fu farting Barbies." That one kind of speaks for itself, other than Jimmy's roll in the game. He's the dragon to which the Barbies are sometimes attached, between the Kung fu and, well, farting.

Buffy update: Have finished the first 3 seasons. Cried like a baby during the prom episode at the end of season 3--although in my defense, I was highly medicated and having some other issues that day. The first 4 episodes of season 4, it must be said, have been kind of disappointing, but still good clean fun.

Health update: bronchitis seems to be cleared up. Allergies still in full swing. Healthier eating kind of side tracked, though am trying to drink a lot more water and eat broccoli or the like at least once a week. Yoga still great--usually once a week, sometimes twice if I can swing it. It may actually be spring now, so hopefully will be taking more walks.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
We went sandal shopping together today. Soph ended up with some pink ones adorned with huge 3-D-ish daisies on them. On the way home, she was pretending that the daisies had come to life and were trying to eat her feet. In a good way.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
I can't decide. Is 3 and 2/3rds old enough to ride her trike outside in the driveway without supervision? She really wants to--and I see other kids her age playing outside. I let her do this for about 5 minutes while doing my housework, and finally made her come in while I finished. It kind of freaked me out. Am I too overprotective or am I completely negligent?

Thbpttt (That is, insert raspberry noise here.)

Went to the doctor's office on my lunch break to have my monthly phentermine heart check (yes--still taking them). He listened to my heart, and asked how I felt. I told him kind of shitty because of my seasonal alergies. He listened to my lungs and looked at my throat, nose, and ears, and told me that no, actually, I have a darn nasty case of bronchitis, combined with a sinus infection. Joy.

So--I ran back to work, gave my principal the little doctor's note thingy, and told him I'd better go home and stop infecting everyone. Stopped by the drug store for a huge sack of prescriptions--called my mom to ask her to pick Soph up and love her for a while this afternoon, and now am going to bed.

As today is my one year blog anniversary, I had been planning a very witty and clever year in review type post. Guess that can wait until tomorrow.

Top 5 reasons I haven't blogged (or commented)

So--2 weeks have gone by with hardly a post or a comment. Here are my top 5 excuses. Interestingly enough, some of them are the same excuses I've heard from my students a time or two.

5. The dog ate my computer. (Actually, he didn't eat the computer, but he did bite my cell phone charger in half. He also chewed the nose and feet off of Jacque. Not this one, this one. He also keeps getting out of the yard, I think to dally with the pit bull, Princess across the street. I keep telling E that he--Jimmy of course--needs his balls lopped of something fierce. Hopefully he'll call the vet soon.)

4. I had a doctor's appointment. (Ok. That's a lie, but Sophie had one--her diagnosis was bronchitis. I did hurt my back though--ripping the carpet off of the living room floor. Got a bit of a bee in my bonnet last Sunday. Other than 2 spots with some water damage, the hardwood isn't looking too bad. With this stupid back of mine, my shitty computer stool/chair does feel like a torture chamber.)

3. It's all the school's fault. (You see, they BLOCKED blogs and personal pages from all the schools computers. This really pisses me off, because people can still spend all fucking day forwarding bullshit jokes and religious aphorisms and chain letters to curse or bless you if you don't send them to a gagillion people, but I can't read a blog. Whatever.)

2. I didn't know what to write about. (Plus, I got the blogger guilts. I quit checking my blog, and those of others, because I hadn't in so long that I knew I'd have a ton to read and write about and comment about and so just treated the whole thing with the same attitude I treat my student loans. If I don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist.)

1. I forgot. (You see, I was busy with something else. I said I'd never do it. I fought it off for literally years. Then a friend got me hooked. 2 weeks ago, I came home from a lovely afternoon of mimosas and more mimosas bearing Buffy, seasons 1-3. Fuck. So--everyone was right. Season 1 wasn't great, but was totally addictive. Season 2 was the bomb. Season 3 is even better. I'm to the one with the Hansel and Grettle stuff. Fuck. I can't stop. How many more seasons are there to go? At least with Firefly, only a week of my life was sucked away. Now--I may not get anything done for months. Oh, and Angel? Dare I say he's even hotter than Captain Mal? Yes. Yes I dare.

So--I plan to suck it up and get back on the old blogger wagon next week. E has been working on an apple lap-top for me, so soon I should be able to blog on the comfort of the couch or elswhere.

Today's best thing about being a mom:
She brought some tracing work home today. Looked to me like a triangle. So I asked, "Hey! Did you trace a triangle today?" She said, "No mom, you're wrong. I traced a triangular based prism." I shit you not.

Today's worst thing about being a mom:
Soph informed me today that she has a boyfriend. Jacob. Bianca's brother. He's an older man--in kindergarten this year. I'm wondering if I should worry.